Alexandra

im fuckin dumb

2010-01-06T02:30:15Z

4 days into the new year and I've already broken one of my resolutions.
pathetic.
He came over just to bring me some food.
And I end up kissing him.
And damnit I liked it.

I haven't even been THINKING about drinking or smoking like I normally do. Probably because many of my thoughts are consumed by him or my job hunt or mother. This is not good though you see I am simply replacing. I'm getting those crazy-girl, territorial thoughts and feelings I used to get with Dennis. Those thoughts that made me do stupid things like cut his carseat with a boxcutter. Or physically hurt him. I am beginning to realize that aside from whatever 'love' I may have felt towards Dennis' person, that a lot of our relationship was just a very intense addiction to one another. That even when we were fed up with each other's antics - if one person tried to leave or back out, violence, physical trappings, and other sort of desperate graspings of one another happened. Like our crack rock had feet and was scampering out the door and our logic was to hold a shotgun up to it and tell it not to move. Not that I did that. Well. Maybe once. But all I wanted him to do was stay.... oh crazy girl.

Well.
I must say I am definitely way beyond those days. Heck, I was never thinking logically back then I was always either on drugs or coming off them, shit I don't know which frame of mind is worse to be honest.

I just
Maybe I should treat one addiction at a time.
I don't think I will have a problem with the substance abuse thing. I think it's a deeper-rooted problem than just drugs being in front of me. Those are just the tools used. And it's as simple as changing my mind on what tool I want to use that day. I guess I'm just mad at myself for feeling the need to use a tool in the first place.

I think he and I have a real shot at it this time around. After all we've learned about ourselves and each other over time. He just makes me want to be a good person. Not for him, but for myself. It's hard to explain. Like being with Austin made me want to impress him, but not necessarily be a good person. You know what I mean? Being with Seth at the beginning made me want to be a better person, but I didn't REALLY want it for myself so I had this nagging "i'm doing it for him" feeling in the back of my mind that really just made me want to fight with him and push him away. Which is exactly what I did. And I mean I guess that's what Bobby's been waiting for he said is to just simply want it for myself. And I do this time. Regardless of whether he's here or not for me, it won't knock me off track you know. I'm just scared if I don't give everything enough time to just sorta play out naturally that I will treat it as another addiction and not give it the proper respect. That would be such a huge letdown just for myself, not to mention him.

I'm just gonna keep hanging out with him. I like this. I like the time we spend together.
I'm not gonna beat myself up over it.

God but I just thought of something.
What about Andre?? *smacks head*
ughhhhh he's such a good guy
He even said he thought I'd be a good girlfriend for him and he wants to keep hanging out even though I have my 2010 'no dating' thing.
If I start things up with bobby again, how is that gonna look to him?? like OUCH bitch move no? too. many. guys. all the fucking time. and i always get myself caught up in these situations. and i always end up looking like the bitch who's just confused and boy-crazy.

well
i guess i kinda am in a way. just not your typical way. yet oh-so-typical.

I just feel like I picked up a crutch again.
Maybe I can treat it in a way that won't be treating him like a crutch.
Maybe one crutch isn't so damn bad.

Or maybe I'm just worrying about this entirely way too much
and should stick to worrying about my job hunt
and just breathe

My sister says I should use bobby to get over my drug/alcohol addiction and then use food to get over my addiction to bobby. "You're skinny, you'll be fine"
LMFAO! I love that girl.

i am not nice today.

2010-01-04T23:51:20Z

I want to be rich and lonely.
Completely alone.

I just don't care about people anymore. I want nothing to do with them. Or the physical realm either. I don't want to care about my body, but it is my current vessel for what I value most - my mind & spirit - so for current times I must care at least a smidge. Enough to eat, shit, and bathe I suppose. Hell I haven't hardly been doing any of those lately though. I suppose I'm in a funk, inspired by my monthly friend, my mother, and.. well.. things that are too embarassing to admit because as shameless as I can be I do have pride issues about certain things. And it's sickening. Maybe I've been suckin on jellysickles for way too long I suppose - I want everything I don't have.

I don't know why I'm sitting here whining, it's probably because I have forced myself for the past 5 hours to endure the pains of my menstrual cramps without simply reaching down by my bed to get some naproxen. I guess I just wanted to see how bad it would get. And now I have turned into a t-rex ready to bite your head off. I think I will take some now....

This is when I wish I had some really good drugs.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS

I want to destroy things.
I want to hurt people's feelings.
I want to make them feel as small as my pinky finger
And then crush them with my foot.

--

okay so im feeling better.
the meds kicked in.
i am still going to go listen to dark, mean music on my ipod though.
*steam rises from head*

Difficult Things

2010-01-03T05:57:53Z

Both addictions of mine have been severely tested these past two days.
And most of all my heart.

Yesterday I hung out with Larisa, she got us some pizza from Pizza Joint and then we went to this vintage/thrift shop downtown and spent some fun time shopping. It was First Friday so she was kinda itching to go out but she didn't want to pressure me and didn't know if it was too early for me to try the bar scene. I told her I wanted to do it just to test myself. See if I could even chill at a bar without having an anxiety attack and she said we could leave at anytime if I felt the need to. We went to Soul Bar where we chatted for a few hours while she bought some drinks and I sipped on a water and then a concoction of juice and soda the girl gave me for free. She was pretty tipsy and we both needed stuff from Walmart so we made a stop there and shopped around for a bit while she sobered up some. When we got back downtown though we decided we wanted to try to find somewhere to dance and we stopped at nearly every bar on Broad st and it was deadddd - probably because it was New Year's Day. So I took her back to her car and we ended up going home. I have to say it was really hard not to even ask for a sip of the different beers she was trying. I also realized that bars and the people that go to them are not that cool when sober. lol. I mean I knew that I just would try to overlook it so I could have a good time. I still had fun... i mean not as much fun as i would have if i was drunk, but i mean maybe bars are just REALLY not my scene and I just have to stop forcing it and accept it. I'd much rather be at a bookstore there are tons of things to hold my interest.

Today Bobby took me out to lunch on his break in between work and it went really well.

I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do which was turn him down. It fucking broke my heart. He was all holding my hands at the table and being sweet to me and he told me he wanted more than to be just friends with me. I asked him why now, what has changed. He said just through recent advice I'd given him, certain things I'd put together for him, he realized I knew him better than anyone else and he was glad I was 'actin right' now like hes been wanting me to do so... I told him more than anything I'd love to try again with him, but that he was no exception to 2010, as special as he is. And honestly I'd be no good to him as a serious girlfriend right now with all my inadequacies and behavioral things I need corrected - I wouldn't want to screw it up again. He definitely understands we've talked about a lot of this before so he respects it. I told him he had really bad fucking timing and asked him if he could wait a year lol, he said yeah that's fine haha so for now we're still gonna try to hang out and be friends etc, but no physical stuff and just simply get to know each other better.

That's all I've ever really wanted.
So why am I so sad????

I'm having a hard time not calling him up, driving over there, and throwing my arms around his neck and telling him fuck it let's do it - but it would be silly to go back on my word now and I would feel like I let myself down. especially if it just fizzled out again and im left looking like a dumbass who gave up her new years resolution for a boy. I have to remember: ME first.

--

I'm very proud of myself!
I threw myself right into the thick of my alcohol addiction and came out without a scratch.
I threw myself right into the thick of my love/intimacy/sex addiction with the boy that's closest to my heart and came out on the other side turning all of it down.
All just to be by myself.
I guess there's no substitute for that. :)

So why aren't I more chipper, why aren't I enjoying this moment? I feel on the verge of tears like I've just lost something or someone. I mean I guess this is healthy, what I lost were my crutches. And both so quickly. And now I feel wobbly and weak and terrified. But as long as I don't pick those damn things back up off the ground I will become stronger and walk further away from them as each day passes.

I just have to remember to breathe.

fucking red heads.

2009-12-31T09:52:49Z

I guess I'm just really confused all over again.
My eyes should be permanently cross-eyed, I think it'd fit my personality better.

Bobby called me the night before last after he was leaving Stephen's house on his way home. He wanted me to come watch a movie with him and I told him I would but it'd take me 30 minutes or so to get out there and he groaned and I told him not to complain cause it's not like he hardly comes out here to see me at all so then he said he would come out here instead.

Well he got here and we ended up mainly just talking in my room instead of watching a movie because it was late, my mom was already in bed, and she woulda been ticked if she knew anyone was over. He was very touchy-flirty at first but I could tell he'd been drinkin so I just tried to brush it off. A couple hours had past and we ended up just laying down and holding each other and he kept messin with my hair and rubbin my back. I went and hid his car so mom wouldn't see it in the morning after he started dozing off. I came back and we turned out the lights, and he was holding my hand kinda squeezing my fingers and started putting my hand on his face and touching my fingers to his lips and whatnot for a while. I kissed him on the cheek told him he was too sweet.. i told him it made me want to kiss him and that was bad (considering I wasn't even supposed to be cuddling with anyone - especially since we're just supposed to be friends) and I told him I wanted him to be one of my best friends, that he already was one, and that I didn't want to mess that up because everytime i try to get closer to him he goes away. He sighed like he wanted to say something but didnt and just put his arms around me and squeezed tight. We kind of just nuzzled for a while and I bumped noses with him and then we kissed. And it was crazy how it felt kissing him again. We were very still, not making out or anything, just sweet, soft, slow kisses. I couldn't help but feel absolutely nuts and I really wanted him, but he wouldn't let us do anything else. So i kinda pouted and he laughed and just held me and we fell asleep and he left in the morning.

He surprisingly called that day and said he really enjoyed his time with me, he said it was different for him, and wanted to come over again that night (last night) right after he got off work, so he did and we watched most of "Inglorious Basterds" which was good from what I caught of it...and I guess i kinda initiated it all but we ended up sleeping together again and it was (ugh) amazing as usual. And we hid his car up the street and then sprint-raced back to my driveway and damn he caught up fast after i had taken off running. We went to sleep and he left at the same time again this morning.

He messaged me tonight and said he was missin me and that I'd be hearing from him tomorrow.

All I know is I'm over-analyzing once again and as much as I should just be enjoying each moment as it comes... and damnit I am trying.. I seem to be falling back into the trend of always yearning for more from him and I am FUCKING LIVID with myself because of it. *huff puff*

Whatever. He knows my plans for 2010 and I'm sure he's going to respect them. But if he does respect them then to me it just seems like he was trying to get one last hurrah in before i went celibate. :/ Should I not look at it like that? I asked him if he wanted to be my last kiss before the new year he said he did...I told him he shouldn't be so sweet to me he said he wanted to be sweet to me.. I just can't fucking win. Ever. Maybe this will give me the chance to set my boundaries, even with him, and really get to know him more as a friend since we've established that thus far. Am I thinking way too special of him? Is he actually just like every other guy and just using his power of making me melt whenever it's convenient for him but never actually thinking about how I feel??? I hate to put him in that category because everything that's developed over the years really make him special to me. But I think it's time to demolish any and all pedestals I have under people and just be me. If anything he can respect that. But can I do it without wanting to die???

THIS
is precisely why I can't even go on a single date this coming new year (as an additional clause to my celibacy contract) because it provides too much of a distraction and I (as much as I hate to admit) tend to get my heartstrings tied up in knots that seem to take forever to untangle.

UMMM And i hate this stupid ad for the movie "Leap Year" because for a while I had planned to surprise Dennis and propose to him on Leap Year because I thought it would be neat.. and not propose like legal marriage but I was getting these single rings/bands for the both of us with engravings on the inside that read "LIFE" and across from it would be "LOVE" ...so you could read it "love life" or "life love".. double meanings you see. And since he was always pissy about me not believing in marriage I wanted to show my dedication to him since we had talked about compromising on being Life Partners...and that we knew we'd always be soulmates so this was a ring that didn't need to be thrown away (or thrown at the other's head) if something were to happen and we end up not together. Even now I wish I'd actually gone through with it, I still look at him as a soulmate of mine. You know those fleeting soulmates.... ANYWAYS YEAH thanks for taking my fucking idea stupid movie........... *pouts*

I need to go to bed before I get anymore sappy.
and pissed off.
about being sappy.

oh yeah - christmas

2009-12-27T08:22:16Z

i forgot, christmas was interesting. mom was all manic. wayne ended up bailing because he got into a fight with delaney for not coming home til 6 that morning. adrian changed his number AGAIN so none of us could get into contact with him. when he finally called delaney he said he be headed over... then nothing.. so we waited.. and called him back and he got all pissed and was like "I WENT over there, nobody was there!" He had accidentally gone to my sisters house instead of mom's because he never found out we changed plans and he got all pissed and was like "thats too far im not coming out there" and we kinda argued over the phone for a minute - he gets very heated very quickly (blame his two extra adrenal glands) but then backtracked and we said merry christmas and got off the phone.

the kids got cell phones which theyve been asking and asking for. matthew got this kickass $80 helicopter from mom that is super scary. and super hard to control! but we had fun with it.

only our family would have tacos for christmas right? just like thanksgiving - tacos. but we did have some ham, rice, and string beans and then some KFC-bought chicken strips. lololol i love mom sometimes.

I also got to see Candy & Lauren (after dropping Ben off there) for the first time in like 8 years or so. It was crazy! Candy cried a little bit and just kept talking about how grown I was and how she felt like she missed out. How my mom came over there and told her that the rest of us wanted nothing to do with her. Which I told her was a lie, mom can speak for her self. I have nothing against her. I think her and Ben need to get up and do something and support themselves and maybe they dont have the healthiest relationship - but that's my inner therapist speaking and from Alex to Candy - I have no beef with her and still think she has a good heart and I really have missed her. She told me I came out a lot different then all my other siblings and how Ben talks about how proud he is of me all the time... it really made me feel crazy. It's so weird building any kind of 'bonds' with my siblings like i have been lately. I guess I DO love them! haha

As far as gifts I got
-a body wash/deodorant/shave kit from my sister which i totalllyyy needed and will save me some extra cash thank goodness
-a $10 subway gift car from sissy as well
-a decorative mirror from mom that says 'relax' and has a Spanish proverb on it that says "How beautiful it is to sit and do nothing and then rest afterward" haha
-an iLuv portable speaker to plug into my ipod from mom
-and then my GPS so I will never get lost again!!!! Although I got that a couple weeks ago lol.

It's really hard not to go shopping with this money i just got from my paycheck. but if i can hold out i can make it cover my gym membership for the next 2 (or 3 months if i stretch it) which will now be my only bill until i get another job and cut my phone back on.

ALSO I'm not happy about my car situation at all.
I am calling up there with my mom tomorrow and we are going to figure this payment thing out.
The repo-man could come at anyday to take my shit away
So tomorrow I am cleaning out my car since i didnt do it today
just in case they come tow it away.
shitty.

Dreams...

2009-12-27T08:00:54Z

I have been having such VIVID, realistic dreams since I went sober. I an actually remember them in great detail when I wake up. And they've all been pretty crazy but very life-like, no abnormal abstract things going on.

1) About a week ago I dreamed I was partying with Lil Wayne. Or maybe an Augusta knockoff version of lil wayne. he looked kind of short and rather pug-faced. We were in some quaint little apartment-type deal that seemed to be a part of a strip mall.. go figure... but there were a couple ghetto girls walkin around, not really payin me much mind. There was one girl who kept checkin on a baby or a kid in the back bedroom, I never went back there. But I remember thinkin to myself "Man I just decided to go sober" but he was offerin me drinks and pills and whatnot so I just kinda went with it. There's no specific plot to it, but I make a couple stops back throughout the day/week to pick up more pills. I also somehow start work at an all black hair salon that happens to be run by my old manager, Tiffany, from Yankee Candle. My first client is Andre who needs his head shaved and I'm given no direction, but Tiffany watches over me from across the room and says if I do it right, I will get hired on permanently and have an instant bonus after I finish him. Well I put it on whatever I think is the best setting on the clippers and start to shave his head and he says thats exactly the length his wanted it so I do his whole head completely terrified I'm gonna clip his ear or something. After he gets done another immediately comes in and I finish him off real quick. I walk over to Tiffany and she says I did a good job and all the other ladies are like "awww girrll" i guess proud cuz i'm a white girl doin black peoples hair. Tiffany hands me to $200 bills and a $20. $420 bonus first haircut. damn. I remember thinking "I think I'm going to like this job.."

2) The following night I dreamt I was in some downtown/suburbish area at my boss, Brad, from Hollister's apartment. kinda townhouse style..mighta been a house actually now that i think about it. it wasnt an apartment. but we stay mainly in his kitchen and the dining area and im looking around at all the knickknacks in his house and commenting. apparently his wife is out of town and he is steadily pouring us both drinks. we have light conversation and lots of laughs and i continue walking around drinking & exploring his house. his eyes always follow me but he always seems to keep himself busy in another room. he asks me what i honestly think of marriages/monogamy and affairs etc. I'm pleased at his direct approach to the subject and i tell him how i honestly dont think monogamy is that natural and that we all crave variety...that i kind of view marriage as a trap...or that it will eventually feel like one. he laughs and smiles and is like "Yes! thank you." and i start rambling about something else while rocking back and forth on my stomach on the arm of his couch just being silly and he pops into the room and bends down as im rocking forward, sticks his face in front of mine as if he is about to kiss me - and as delighted as i was - i quickly rock backwards just before he does and laugh and walk away from him. at that point i feel like its 'game on' and continue the cat & mouse chase thinking I have all night to entice and finally land him. unfortunately i wake up. damnit. i shoulda gotten the job done lol.

3) A couple of nights later I dreamt that a coworker from Hollister, Corey, was dead. I found out through facebook somehow. I was really upset and started driving around aimlessly, stopping at the most random places to walk around and reflect. I felt like I was waiting on someone or meeting someone or something. But it never happened. And it was getting close to sunset. And somehow I found out through FB that same day that Mary Helen had died also and I went crazy and was driving around crying and screaming at anyone that tried to stop me (I think Andre did at one point) and I ended up wrecking my car (which wasnt actually my toyota, it was more like Andres car) in someones yard or something. I remember lots of grass in this dream. Then I found out that it was a big hoax, she wasn't dead, but that everyone knew it was a joke except for me. And I talked to Mary Helen and she laughed and reassured me everything was fine but I couldn't help feeling super betrayed by everyone around me. No one seemed to understand my hurt. It was awkward.

I smoked the ganj with Andria and John last night (xmas night). I told myself I could smoke it until 2010 hit. So I guess I have 5 more days left.

I'm very thankful I got one more check from Hollister to hold me over through the month of January while i continue job-hunting.

I feel really good about everything. A bit more secure.

I didn't want to write too much
so im going to end this here
and probably go down to mcdonalds and splurge on an angus burger or something equally disgusting and horrible for my body and against my ethics.
surprise surprise

Distracted!

2009-12-23T10:42:23Z

Healthy distraction accomplished.
I didnt scrape bowls I ended up getting on facebook and saw that bobby had left a comment so i called him instead.
*pats self on back*

We talked for like an hour and I realized this:

I AM DEDICATING 2010 COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY TO MYSELF. I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO DEDICATE ONE MEASLY YEAR OF MY LIFE TO BEING COMPLETELY AND TRULY DEVOTED AND 100% ALEXANDRA LEIGH MORROW, NO ADDITIVES, NO FLAVORING, NO FOOD COLORING. ALL NATURAL BABY!!

So that means i will be completely clean and sober. no alcohol. smokes. ganja. NADA.
ALSO that measn I will be completely single and celibate. no sex. kissing. cuddling. dating. NADA.

I finally will be able to just get to be me :)
through the good and the bad of it
and i think i'm gonna learn to love myself through the entire process.

I wonder why it seems this should be such a task for one person. honestly i dont know the answer to that. i feel like those are the things that are just supposed to happen naturally. like....you're supposed to just automatically be by yourself for a while until someone finds you. or you're supposed to just be safe and kinda in a box and not really explorative and one night you randomly are offered a drug and just kinda fall into a random night of experimentation. with me i would SEEK OUT these things. and i couldn't get enough. i need more more more. and different different different. i not only crave excess, but i crave variety. As soon as I got my first kiss I would go to the skating rink every weekend and makeout with as many guys and girls as i could every night. Hell I was reminded by Sammie that I was her first kiss back when i was like 15 and she was maybe 11 or 12. and i remember because we were all hiding under the party section booths where you couldnt see us. it was the first place i got fingered i think too lol. but yeah i kissed her, then asked her if she wanted to triple kiss with me and my first boyfriend (besides jack) derek and she was kinda nervous but i just smiled and she said sure. then we had a triple kiss between me her and derek. like.. i just didnt care. i wanted to make out with EVERYONE. LOL I remember playing suck & blow in a big circle there and then jack having to kiss that really busted-face gay guy ahhhahaha he probably doesnt remember that shit, lol.

anyways, im just sad that curiosity killed the cat i guess. i thought i could go crazy without actually GOING. CRAZY. But i got sucked in and now i'm paying.

live and learn people, live and learn.

but GOD did i have fun learning what i did, when i did ;D

hopefully bobby doesnt bail on plans we made to watch a movie together. im so glad we are friends now and its not all weird like i tried to make it for so long. and that he has enough respect for me to wana hang out and not just fuck like we used to. it really tells me something about him.

im excited for tomorrowwwwww

and the next year!!!!!!!!

BUT i cant help but wonder if it would still be okay to get one last smoke with the ol george before 2010 was officially here. i know its bad, but its like i didnt even get to say goodbye.... *tear*

this is going to be harder than i thought!
(SO ready for the challenge)

2 month curse

2009-12-23T07:42:37Z

so i realized i have a 2 month curse. well okay curse is a strong word, but i have a 2 month breaking limit.

since i lost my virginity at 16 i have not gone without sex for any period existing longer than 2 months. and since then everytime ive 'officially' gone sober, the longest it lasted (the first time) was about 2 months or so before i started smoking pot/drinking again, while still abstaining from hard drugs, because i never thought i had a problem with either of those (at least when i first initially tried to go sober back in july of...07?) i had quit everything except for cigarettes. even alcohol and weed. and then i knew i was going to be turning 21 so i figured it was okay for me to pick up drinking since i had never really formed any obvious habits with it. i actually didnt like it that much - until i turned 21 and it was just so easy to get. i was always more of a pothead/pillhead that dabbled with hard drugs and psychadelics and got her kicks off of cheap thrills like storebought inhalants or otc trips when absolutely nothing else was available.

i have NEVER not been able be intimate with a person for longer than that either. i THOUGHT i had been celibate these past few months for like a WHILE now, but apparently id forgotten some of it. i always do that. always. ill even know who i cheated on and how many people i cheated on them with, but damn i wouldnt be able to give you all the names if you asked me. my mind just goes blank.

i thought since austin and i last broke up which was the first week(ish) of august, that the only person i had really been hooking up with was bobby. and that was only for like a week. well maybe a few more times the next week.
but in the middle of all that, there was once with jeremy.
then we got into a tiff and i randomly hooked up with logan (only bc he was giving me free weed and opiates and i just felt good enough not to care)
but then i decided to really get back on my A game and stop that shit
and then the first week of october (less than two months later), i had a one night stand with jimmy. which i had COMPLETELY forgotten about!! until he brought it up the other night. he even remembered the date - which he says is october 4th - but i didnt even remember doing it until he told me!!
THENNNN i decide to get back on my A-game and at that time is when i first started talking to Andre and hanging out with him a lot. and then randomly brought Yoni to jimmys to party. and then Andre to Yonis house to hang out. and then i stopped talking to everyone and kept everyone in the strictly friends only zone because i wanted to not do more than kiss/cuddle with anyone anymore.
well thenn just this month, december, probably the first week or so (again - two months later) i give in, am under the influence of god knows what, and i started hooking up with jayson. and at that point i didnt care and was whatever about it because he was talking all serious about really trying to get with me - which i was fine with as long as he kept supplying the weed, drinks, and pills.
sad really - but the truth. i use people to fuel my addictions. and i KNOW that, i acknowledge that - thats why im trying to make a change. to stop hurting people like that. and i wonder why i get hurt or betrayed all the time *eye roll*

SO
to break this spell
i am determined to test myself. i need to make it a total of SIX months - with no intimacy - which include sex, kissing, cuddling, or even dating. if i go out with a guy, it will not be a date and i will inform them of it EACH and everytime. it will strictly be friends hanging out. if they make i move, i turn it down. if they insist, i leave and mark them off my notepad of people to associate with. i ALSO should not feel the need to explain my intimacy issues with them (unless they are interested) - they should respect my wishes no matter what.

I will also test myself with the substances. I'm not worried about any of the harder stuff or the pills. I can pretty much block myself off from those. I'm kind of worried i will be tempted to try to drink 'moderately' or even just have 'one drink' at a get together or something. but i wont. i wont let myself. there wont even be a point. no sip. nada. the other worry is the ganjjjj. damnit damnit damnit while i sit here in bed all i can think about is smokin a bowl and putting headphones on. but here's how i see it - i will force myself to go for THREE (of these six) months without weed. hell it's already been a week. well a little less than a week. im fiendin but i might make it as long as i dont hang out with anybody. and since im planning on jobhunting like a mofo (sent my resume into the urban outfitters call center today) i dont see a point in hanging out anyways. plus i dont have the gas or money to be running around or doing anything. and i figure after THREE MONTHS without it, if i decide to pick it up again, i can do so recreationally. by then i figure my head will be clear enough to make a wise decision. who knows i may decide to stay off it for good. it may just be the addiction still talking in my head. i was off cigarettes for a whole month and because i was obliterated one night i lit one up and said fuck it. now i wont have that excuse because i wont be obliterated on anything.

this feels really good to practice walking without all these crutches

---

the night i came clean to my mom about a lot of stuff, i forgot she had mentioned me going to a Rape Crisis Counselor that she may be able to hook me up with through the VA.

I never wanted to admit that the Dennis date-rape situation from October 08, right before Halloween, really affected me that much. I mean i went to Mary Helen dazed and crying immediately after i woke up to... it... and terrified i left his house immediately, barely able to drive from being drunk and xanied out and also just stonecold shutdown and upset all in one. He kept trying to soothe it over with "It's okay it's just me" & then his multiple stories/explanations that never synched up & then him finally getting angry and just blaming it all on me. even though we had been broken up for good for more than 6 months and we were not even talking on a regular basis - much less hooking up. i mentioned it once to my mother a while after the fact and then sorta dismissed it mentally...

then just this past summer when i was still with Austin, probably back in late July, early August, we went to his coworkers house for a party. Austin was passed OUT drunk (like he gets everytime) and they even took a video of them banging his face with a door and he didnt move. i got so sick that night and was throwing up and passed out on the bathroom floor with him. well at some point we got up and moved to his coworkers bedroom to sleep on an actual bed. most everybody had already left i guess at that point and his coworker slipped in the room and laid on the other side of me, my back to him. which is where he shimmied my pants down just enough to cum all inside of me. yes. gross. i know. i remember bits and pieces of it, at first swatting him away when i woke up to someone softly caressing my back and i remember saying "you shouldnt be doin that" and turned around, shook austin to try to wake him up which failed miserably, and held on closer to austin. then i wake up to him touching me down there and i froze. he still thought i was passed out. all of a sudden i was 8 years old again...too terrified to even move or speak and trying as best as possible to keep my breathing even. i kept screaming to myself to stand up for myself, just SAY SOMETHING. like i wish i had when i was 8. but i was also drunk and still aroused by it somehow - because yes these things do feel good. and then he slipped inside me and came immediately. i wanted to fucking die. but i just froze. he quietly tried to scoot my pants back up a little bit and turned over and after about 5 minutes (which seemed like an hour) he started snoring. and i had two snoring idiots on either side of me who really both only wanted me for one thing.

i crept up quietly and went to the bathroom and piss his cum out. grabbed my purse and keys and drove home at like 5 in the morning. i talked to austin about it briefly, semi-lying about the parts i remembered because he wouldnt understand the complexity of my inner workings in such a situation (he was quite the simpleton) so i just said what i woke up to and found and he immediately defended his coworker saying he would never do something like that and that i was probably just him.. that he thinks he remembers us fooling around or something which i tried really hard not to laugh out loud in his fucking face... because when he got that shitty he wasnt good for SHIT. not even a fuck. hell i would take him to a bedroom halfway through a party and fuck him just so i could get some before the end of the night before he fucking passed out. (guess to a point i was only using him too) so i KNOW it wasnt him, but there was no way for me to convince him without telling him the truth. which to him, he would equivalize that as me fucking his coworker. plain and simple. his other response is "Well baby why did you let yourself get that fucked up???" right. not even gonna get into that one, im sure thats pretty self-explanatory as to how ignorant that question is. so i brushed it off and didnt really talk to anyone about it. how do you explain that situation and feel like it's not your fault??

all i know is that i felt the same way i did when i was little. i felt aroused. guilty. terrified. disgusted. angry. confused. and usually when these things happen i find someway to make myself believe i deserved it.. because honestly if i didnt stand up for myself (which i never do) than didnt i deserve it?? just like when a pushy guy wont leave me alone about getting him off, i give in and blow him or fuck him instead of standing up for myself and possibly facing a violent rape.. i deserved to miserably fuck him if i cant even stand up for myself.

my mother says i should probably go seek counseling. she said she didnt even know about randall molesting me when i was little. which is bullshit cuz i told her once. but i guess i was very short about it at the time.. whatev.

anyways.......i guess a lot of these things, plus the past lifetime of abuse from all of my loved ones equals a very very angry girl. that smiles and laughs a LOT just to hide it. but when she drinks tequila she lets it out and says smartass comments and starts fights. when she drinks vodka she cries and apologizes to everyone for being such a mess. ah well, i guess i cant look towards alcohol anymore as a means to actually face my demons and let some REAL emotion come out. gotta do it the right way, the healthy way. shit i dont really know what that is except to write about it or talk to someone about it.. other than that i mean... fuck.. what do i do? cry in bed all day? i cant even make myself it just feels retarded.

-

these past few days have been fairly productive. i finally worked all day on unclogging the shower drain and scrubbed out the whole thing. thank god. i made some taper candle holders out of sculpey for part of my moms xmas present. i am ALMOST done with a 500 piece puzzle which i started 2 days ago. i have actually never done a puzzle in my whole life so this was fun - its addicting! ive been getting up and doing dishes and actually trying to halfass cook something (even though its been FREEZING since we dont have a heater or anything.) i also did like a month's worth of laundry, which took me two days to do, and am now finding no where to put up some of these leftover clothes that need hanging or drawer space.

i have. too. many. clothes. omg. two closets full and a whole 5-drawer dresser full?? not to mention a 4 hook thingy FULL of scarves and hats of all kinds. a multi hook hangy thingy full of nothing but belts. a 20 slot hanging shoe organizer anddd a 3 shelf unit all crammed with shoes. a travel zip-suitcase stuffed with purses. and then a giant plastic tub full of even more purses and shoes and boots. wtf. i even took a whole giant army drawstring bag full of clothes out to my car that i had tara go through and pick what she wanted - and thats still sitting in my car like half full. oh yeah and some hats and a purse in the trunk. im not even that fashionable, i just have a lot of options. its rare you see me wear the same thing twice, at least in the same way. i have a few staple outfits, but really im always mixing up my layers and whatnot and comign up with something new. its not a hassle, just a daily routine. to me its just part of getting ready (which is why it takes me an hour and a half to get ready including hair and makeup). i dunno its just fun. and my addiction for clothes picked up even more ever since i started work at platos 2 years ago and had access to billions of clothes for cheap.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HEIDI FLEISS IS GOING TO BE ON NEXT SEASON'S CELEBRITY REHAB!!! I used to idolize that woman... hollywood madam... I can't wait. This is going to be so exciting to get to know her even better. And recover alongside her awwww <3 gotta love that brilliant, crazy bitch :) i remember i used to always use her pictures in my banners when i used to run a rating/discussion community over on greatestjournal....btw WHATTHEFUCK happened to greatestjournal.com??? it just died. my journal that i put like 3 years worth of writing and work into is just GONE now. i could die. but im trying to just block it out so i dont get upset..............

I called to cancel my frozen tanning membership at palm beach.. its been frozen for almost 8 months now and each month they take out $5 to keep it frozen so whenever you wanna come back you can come back at the initial rate that gave you which is generally a lot better than whatever rates they are charging now. but i cant even afford THAT now and i have to use my last $5 to get something for matthew. well turns out i had $35 worth of credit build up at palm beach and so i get to go in and use it tomorrow and the day after before i cancel it. YES. TANNING FOR FREE MAKES ME SO HAPPY. but unfortunately i am outtt of lotions i can use (except a bottle of the tingly kind i wont in a raffle...iiickkkk it hurts so bad) and will have to waste most of it on expensive samples since i definitely cant afford a whole bottle. BUT i'm thinking i'll just use $25 and get a mystic, then use the last $10 on a lotion packet and a regular bed and just tan once, but have the spray tan last me a few days. ill be semi-tan for xmas!!! then after that i'm headed to larisa's for much needed girl chat time. she has been so supportive throughout this whole recovery thing and has been honest with me from the getgo telling me to slow it down cuz she thought i had a problem. she found two leftover canvas so we're going to get our creative juices flowing and try to make some xmas presents, maybe make some jewelry and possibly cookie baking - yay! I also might bring "Spun" to watch in tribute to Brittany Murphy (altho thats prob a bad choice lol.) I was literally devastated when I found out she died, she was one of my favorite actresses.

Oh yeah, i was talking about productive things. well i started reading one of my moms feng shui books - yay! and i also started reading my "How To Uncover Your Past Lives" book and have practiced the first meditation exercises in there. i'm excited to delve into it.

I realized that I want to specialize in the Metaphysical. And I'd like to write books. Lately I've realized how important it is to focus on your spirit and I really want to do all I can to learn any knowledge out there and spread any knowledge I have from my own personal perspective on it. I also want to INSPIRE! I want to inspire good in people. I want to guide others out of the dark. I feel like this is a major way for me to stay in the light. Stay in the energy.

I'm kinda excited about job-hunting. At least I'm trying to get myself excited so it will be more like an adventure and a fun way of meeting people - instead of a grudgingly annoying task. I feel like if I look at it that way, more will turn up. Put in hard work and positive energy, you'll get a better output.

I really really like how I feel right now.

So why is it I feel like I should celebrate by trying to scrape another resin bowl??

I don't think people understand that it's not only a problem when you use to stifle depression or bad emotions.
A lot of the times (especially in the beginning when it was experimental and fun) I use because I was soooo naturally high and happy that I felt the need to 'extend' it or 'increase' it or... I'm beginning to think that sometimes I even did it to stifle the 'happy'. Does that make sense?? Like to be scared of your own happiness??

Almost like I'm bipolar (which my mom is wondering) and I'm so scared of my manic modes (because sometimes I'm impulsive and tend to feel incredibly invincible so i do crazy things or go on shopping sprees etc) that I feel the need to numb it just a tad.

A lot of times I did drugs in fact was to dumb myself down onto everyone elses level. That sounds conceited. But I am so anxious all the time, in both bad and good ways, that alll outside stimulus hits me like a fucking freight train. I can't be out in crowds of people for too long without changing the setting every few minutes before I get uncomfortable or finally just snorting, smoking, or drinking something to where I can finally level out enough to converse with everyone in the room and stop caring about what people think of me.

Alright enough analysis.
Sounds bad but im gonna go pick at my bowls a little bit.
Desperate.
I know.

Maybe I will distract myself with the puzzle.
Hmm...

angst-ridden

2009-12-20T05:34:29Z

kay.
bad sign when i don't really feel like writing and i'd rather put on headphones.
i mean i guess i cant expect to write everyday but i feel like because ive dealt with a lot of anxiety today and actually left the house and had to socialize with multiple people that it altered my....something.

i felt PERFECT last night.. or this morning rather, i stayed up til 7.30am. mainly bullshitting online with jeremy and he's bein all "come cuddle with me!!" and invited me over tonight after telling me to stop by his work to see if he could hook me up w free minutes for my phone. then he ended up working late and i fell asleep at my sisters house after brooklyns 2nd birthday party today and he wanted me to wait around til after 11 and i said fuck that. when i told him last night that i would come over but to not offer me any substances or really have them around me and he said id just have to 'deal' with weed being around but he'd keep everything else away. um. selfish much? but i told him i was still cool with the ganj.. but i think thats because im like UGHHH wanting to smoke so bad and he almost came over at 5am last night to come chill on my front porch but then that didnt happen. much like tonight didnt happen and we were gonna smoke. and in a way im kinda glad its kinda a sign of two things. 1) i dont need to be smoking the ganj. especially if im gonna be really jobhunting this time around. and 2) jeremy is just as much of an unreliable, selfish jackass as he's always been and is not someone i need to divulge ANYMORE time towards. like period. like not even go watch a movie with.

sean s from scad sent me a nice letter reminding me to watch out for some of those 'saviour' type guys who might come around in this vulnerable time of mine.. especially when im the kind of person that latches onto people for intimacy and stability. and ughh that totally made me look at things a bit differently as pay attention to some of the signs of people reaching out to 'help' and 'be there' for me. bullshit bullshit i call bullshit.

just like jimmy. love the kid. but he wanted me in that hot tub to make out. which was fine. and nothing else happened and we talked the rest of the night and he made us sandwiches and i told him im not looking for anything like that and so i hope he didnt expect anything else when hanging out with me besides getting to know me better. so lets see if he calls or bothers me again. this time i wont even kiss him and we'll see how long that goes for. they think i dont got tricks or that im not paying attention but i will be this time around. not just learning after the fact. and jeremy i think is just looking for a cuddle buddy asss usual. he really can be the guy version of me sometimes... although im WAY cooler. and smarter. and a much better liar. lol well im not giving him that attention. i really only wanted to hang out so i could get high he has some good nugs and im pissed at myself for that. but i didnt. so i guess thats what counts. like i should probably be calling him now to see if hes home and drive over there or make him drive out here but thats not happening. i just dont care enough anymore. at least not right now, i am in no desperate state

but ill tell you what - i have been pissy all day.
except when it was just me and my sister and the kids hanging out. it was fun and i was laughing and smiling a lot. but then mom got there and she got rearended on her way there on bobby jones and so because of her preexisting conditions she was in a lot of pain and had to go to the hospital and they didnt even look at her they just gave her some prescriptions. so we'll see how she is in the coming days. but because of her state of anxiety she was being superrr ornary and bossy about everything at my sisters and it was bugging me a bit but i was handling it.

then she left and i just sorta hung with the kids the rest of the night. picking on all the boys and joking with them. and then hangin out in ashlyns room with her chillin listening to music and then i eventually fell asleep on her bed. i tell you what she's really such a kind-hearted person. she can be bratty but she does it on purpose like shes trying to practice standing up for herself or practice establishing boundaries or is mimicking the greed she sees around her but almost as a joke, not for real. but normally shes just very calm, polite, and doesnt need too much to satisfy her. it was very calming to just sit in her room with her and not feel the need to do anything, just listen to music, maybe chat every now and then if some random question popped up in my head about a song on the radio or... anything to do with current pop culture that im not so brushed up on nowadays. its kinda cool she likes showing me what she knows, i think cuz she sees i actually appreciate it or give a damn.

than i drove home and uploaded some cute pics and videos of the birthday party and surfing facebook just made me really pissed off again. like i dunno. im in one of those 'dont want anything to do with ANY of you' moods. last night/this morning i felt almost perfect. it was hard to describe and remember telling myself what a shame i actually had to get some sleep because i would lose this frame of mind, but something calming inside said i would get it back. i just felt very clairvoyant, very...calm but in a vibrating, buzzing sort of way. i couldnt stop smiling even while mushing my face into my pillow. like i think a muffled laugh or two even came out. not from a thought, but from the sensation. it was so ODD! i felt genuinely happy and secure about the past, present, and future all in one.

i know i'll get back there, but right now i am restless and unfocused again and i cant help but feel like this laptop screen might be sucking my brain out at times.

so im gonna go suck my brains out with these headphones for a while. maybe eat something even tho i ate like 3 bowls of chili today at my sisters. fatty mode is kicking in again. it always does once i feel the slightest bit happy. ugh..

i guess i would like to hate on myself right now but i know thats not right so im consciously hating on others and all of it is making me sick. beauty. see beauty.

i think i will limit myself to a few songs and then clean my room. that always makes me feel better and it totally needs to be done. declutter your room, declutter your mind. and i picked up one of moms feng shui books so i might take a peek at that see if its of any interest to me.

good. good good good, im looking for positive outlets. this feels right. this feels okay. i got this.

dirty money, cheap rhymes

2009-12-19T07:46:41Z

so i dont really have a title for this
but i've been jammin out to some old sage francis and it got my brain cookin
have i told you my writers block is cured??
could you tell by all the entries?? thank you sobriety.
even if its nothing formal i can finally type out my thoughts and it is flowing and i havent been able to stop from the time i wake up to the time i go to bed.
i think this is important to focus on

anyways so i've been coming up with little rhymes and such in my head and i wrote a little freeflow rap/poem/lyrics/whatever you wana call it in one of my journals. i have a rhythm in my head and its hard to describe the syntax or even write it the way its supposed to be said. hell i dont even know how it would be said and i'll probably switch it up later, i keep changing it... but its there. and its written. and i finally manifested something instead of just thinking it or whispering to myself in my room. so i guess here it is (oh and i totally stole a line from one of dennis' old poems that he wrote about me but twisted it for a new meaning. is that allowed??? lol)

------

Keep watching my lips
I'll catch you with the clever
Only because you don't know any better
As you grab my hips, you'd probably like me wetter
But I ain't there yet cause I'm thinking of all the ways to tell you 'I hate you'
in this lonely-heart-infested-with-cold-hands, dirty-mouths
it's-impossible-to-tell-you-no, it's-not-you-that-I-love letter.

'Don't fucking touch me'
Is what I wanna say
But I can't cause you drove me here
And if I wanna get back I should close my eyes
And dream of home, wherever that is
And look the other fucking way

It'll be warmer come May
But until then, it'll take even longer
to get through all these layers of clothes
While I lie there and pretend I'm so much different from all the other hoes.

And don't you dare use that term of reference
Are you fucking kidding me?
I do what I want, I tempt you and taunt,
I smoke these pretty crystals til my face goes gaunt
At least let me retain some sort of twisted diginity.

I'm ahead of the game
I don't sleep in the rain
or in the back of subway trains
My claim to fame will come one day
Hurry up and cum, don't make me stay
My head's in the zone (and so is yours)
as it's you I betray with these empty moans
It's time to pay
For these hips that sway
To my silent cabaret

Wasting away my intelligence
On traveling men with bulging wallets
That have a taste for well-kept secrets
For corrupting once-had innocence.

I kid myself into thinking they'll love me
Change their mind, open their eyes
Close my thighs and rise above the
Shallow need for sexual pleasure
Take the time to get to know me better
Throw me a dime, I'll throw you a line
And all you can do is laugh
Pull up your pants
Toss me a smoke
And say I'm clever...

So clever..
So so clever..
If only you knew better..
But I threw away any remnants of this forget-about-love letter.

My 100th Entry!

2009-12-19T07:01:48Z

So this is apparently entry 100! I guess I should put something special, but instead since I have been writing letters all day I think I will post sections of them that I wanted to save for reflection purposes.

"but i wont put it in such blatant terms. well maybe i will. i fucking hate euphemisms. i rarely sugarcoat shit and what kind of pussy phrase is "a rough go of it"?? im sorry. im irritable. and i dont like you calling me irresponsible well.. because thats what i am. or at least can be. when unstable. and im pretty fucking unstable right now so i dont see where being responsible comes into play at all right now. i am actually a very responsible person - when i choose to be. but most of the time i just dont choose to be or at least not lately. i was so GOOD last year when i first started working at hollister i was very responsible and was that little nice girl in an apron that managed at yankee candle. what happened to that??? i kept telling my mom it felt fake but she told me it would eventually become who i was if i stuck with it. im a sweet girl, but i dont think thats who i am. i am wild and organically busting through the cracks of the concrete you all have laid upon me and one day your gray rock prison will be nothing but dust under my feral and free-to-grow blades of grass and clumps of earth. fuck you dont put me in a box. i cant believe i even tried to force myself there in the first place. i cant believe im trying to do it again with this office job larisa is basically handing me (if i get it). i tell myself the structure is what i need, that this is a bar cage with open panels, no walls, there is room to grow...like a tomato plant that just needs a little help up so you install one of those gridded fence thingys but i mean.... how the fuck did they grow before gridded fences came along. did they not flourish as well without our supposed help?? the only reason we need to help coax them along is because weve poisoned the very land, air, and water we both live on anyways and we have to make up for our mistakes. otherwise.. animals and plants wouldnt need any of our fucking help. we are leeches. "

"when i switched schools in the middle of 5th grade (after xmas break), for the first week of my new school i would wake up every morning to puke until i had to go to school and couldnt eat anything. i lost 5 lbs that week and i think thats when it really hit my mom that i just did NOT deal well with change. and it didnt help that we moved all the time and had to constantly change schools.

i still feel like that little 5th grader everytime something changes. either that or i ride the high of it all and never give myself a chance to sit down and reflect on what really just happened. i did that when i left platos and there was all that drama i was so pissed that the very next day i was out jobhunting all day long and did things i would normally be terrified to do. the next few weeks of phone calls and interviews i just rode out the fuel of my anxiety and anger until i finally had a bunch of job offers. it was nice. and then the anxiety of starting a brand new job starting off at management level was stressful.. then adding a second job to learn only a month later. it all seemed too much to handle but somehow i was handling it beautifully. but when the high wore down i started jobhunting again. i seemed addicted to the high of getting a job. it was finally something i got all kinds of rewards from and eventually i ended up with 5 jobs and an interview for a 6th because i just couldnt stop saying YES and seeing how well i could manage my scheduling etc. welll it all kinda faltered and i had to quit a couple. it kept me sober for a while though doing all of that... and come to think of it, right at the peak when i couldn't fit anymore jobs into my schedule i started using again, heavily, and thats when the shooting up came in. god i can be such a high-functioning addict it's scary :/ dont tell people that. lol."

just some realizations i wanted to save.

that is all!

-

oh and today was much better. i was incredibly angry when i first woke up and i had to ditch any plans with andre to go see avatar because i woke up too late. but i spent a lot of the day with my mom and george and tending to the fire in the woodburning stove and it felt healthy.

my sister is awesome and i love her. she is letting me in and i finally feel respected as somewhat of a woman in her eyes.. at least enough for her to finally talk to me about things she is feeling or has been through in hopes that i understand. and though it is different, i do understand and i hope she knows i WANT to understand if nothing else. and she really wants to write, maybe write a book in the future. i am so trying to encourage her because i know she would be great at it and that if nothing else if she just keeps a journal it will be theraputic. sooo yeah. big plusses everywhere, things are looking good. really really good.

GIDDY AS HELL

2009-12-18T04:18:40Z

i have been super giddy these past few hours since a little before mom got hom and I dont know what the hell triggered it!!!!!
everything has been making me laugh and i am super duper feisty like ready to start a fight with someone. i even spooked my mom and fell out laughing cause of it she probably thinks im crazy oh well.

i was messaging jayson back and forth and i was like "You know what no fuck you i dont trust you and i dont want to learn to trust you" and he got all pissed off and whiney. and hes like "so i guess i dont get to hold you tonight" hell no you dont
and it felt good to say it

ummmm my dad emailed me and this one part was funny he wrote
"I had never heard of Jared Paul until you mentioned him, so I looked him up and saw some of his performances. I have to say I disagree with his politics, and I suspect you and I may be on opposite ends of the political spectrum...

I will send you some political ramblings if you want to discuss ... could be interesting but I don't want to start a fight... let me know if you are interested."

i told him to go ahead, im not really political, im more spiritual and back to basics. its too hard for me to argue semantics

and all this worrying i had thought he had forgotten me.
welp. i told him everything. no not everything but enough.
i want him to know me and

damn i just looked up my old middle school classmate tara gorrell on facebook, tommy (my first love) used to crush on her back in the day lol... and theres a group for her she died in may....damn.... it just trips me out.

so im going midnight hot tubbin at jimmys tonight since he lives not too far from here. damn he has no weed or resin. im still debating on that one i think i should stay away from it but i dont wanna. straight up i dont wanna.

and andre wanst to take me to see avatar tomorrow at some point.

i still havent decided if i want to go into tomorrow nights shift or not. i feel lots better obviusly but i know this is just a phase and the last thing i need to do is be around people when im feeling manic like this because i will automatically say yes or seek out drinks or weed or something. shit i already asked jimmy. do you wear makeup in the hottub?? i think im going to my face is gross.

but yeah i think i ought to message one of my managers on fb or something. its not like they dont know what up, i sent jamie an email about everything (not in detail or anything) about how important that job was to me and what it meant to someone trying to keep their head on straight so i mean if anything jamie knows the most about me and my life and my mom and shit so she knows. i just wana be like "im going on hiatus i dont know how long, just leave me off the schedule for a while ill let yall know something soon enough" which is fine for them they have plenty of ppl to shuffle through.

larisa says shes turning my resume in tomorrow when she has her meeting with her boss, she said it looks good and all and they will probably email me if they are interested. so i dont even really have to worry about my cell phone being cut off for right now. AWESOME. i hope i get this job, if not i am for sure running away.

okay wtf r the tops of your knees supposed to break out?? theyve never done that bfore and now theres are these bumps. weirdddd. also i need to ask jason what a herpes sore looks like. hmmmm. lololol. not funny, but totally is because EVERYTHING IS FUNNY TO ME RIGHT NOW OMG

i need to hurry up and meet up w jimmy he always makes me laugh

YAY i finally dont stink!!

phalexymbol @ 2009-12-17T17:37:00

2009-12-17T22:37:41Z

thank you journal.
you are probably saving my life right now and i dont even know it.
you are all i can manage to do to keep myself sane.
write.

im going to attempt to do laundry.
and void eye contact with my brother.

i havent run yet.
ive got to remember that.

fucking freaking out

2009-12-17T11:44:22Z

okay so i know how i promised myself if i ever felt like i was gonna use i would write in this thing.

WELL IM FUCKING FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

i should be asleep its 5.30 in the morning but i am tossing and turning in bed trying my damndest not to go and do something stupid i want to scream at the top of my lungs but i would wake up mom and even worse i would probably break down in tears.

ive had plenty of distractions these past few days of not working and being sick. food. tv. movie. computercomputercomputer. headphones. and twice i smoked some resin/leftover shit so that kept me sedated today and the day before yesterday. well i wrote tonight. kept going crazy surfing FB because really what else is there to do. well i forced myself to get off the computer. ate some m&ms. then put headphones on. i couldnt even get into any of the songs and it was about to die anyways so fuck it. i needed to sleep anyways bc my alarm is set for like 8.30 and ive been sleeping in 4 hour intervals. i never sleep the whole night anymore i just cant. i always have a nap at some point during the day. i just cant seem to stay awake any longer than 6-8 hrs at a time. unless of course im working or partying. distraction you see.

well im fucking rolling around in bed. cant sleep. thinking about work tomorrow constantly. dont wana go. thinking about how i want to get up early, preferably right after my mother leaves so i cant start on this humongous load of laundry, actually cook a decent meal so im not starving at work and tempted to buy something in the food court with my $5 and so maybe i can clean or do some artwork or something productive to refocus me and calm me down before i have to go into work.

so basically i started thinking about reality again and responsibility and i just happened to remember that my mom told me (after our intense sobriety conversation) that she stopped paying on my car like 3 months ago. hmm.

hmm..
hmmm....FUCKING HMMM WHAT THE FUCK

i brushed it off when she told me b/c she was getting all self-righteous about "well im fucking tired of it, they screwed us over and im ready to just give it back and you'll just have to find some cheap car off the lot we only have to make a few payments on or something..." and so i just keep nodding and pretty much tuning her out. usually when i hear something i dont wanna hear i block it out and forget i even heard it because i dont wanna deal with it or i CANT deal with it so i push it out of my head.

and it didnt dawn on me that HMMMM my fucking car hasnt been paid on in 3 months. how long before they come and just take it the fuck away??? how long before i am without a car again. my only link to freedom. my only link to a job. my only link to GETTING OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE. and ive dumped almost 2 years worth of money into the stupid thing..and now you offer to help me out since i moved back home and have only had my one shitty job back and ive been fucking around on the job hunt, not hearing back from anyone, so i gave up trying and decided to party again and BAM all of a sudden 3 months go by... she's been talking to the loan company and theyve supposedly been giving us the run around on all this paperwork shes supposed to have faxed to her office on lowering our monthly payments etc. at first they said it would only be for a 6 mo period. then some other person said no it would be permanent. she supposedly has been calling and trying to get in touch and theyve been lying to her yadayada but i know her well enough by now that when she points the "LIAR" finger at someone its usually because she's the one lying. my mother is not a responsible adult at all there's a reason none of us kids know anything about finances or discipline or dealing with situations because all her life she has always run from them or made the rules bend for her or pushed it under the carpet until it was an emergency and then she wonders why her kids have anxiety problems and cant make decisions for themselves

im sorry i am freaking out right now because all i want to do is take this car, load as much of my shit up as possible in it and fucking drive as far away as possible. i will steal, i will hide, i will be fucked up as often as possible. fuck i will give up this car and run it off a fucking bridge with all of my shit in it for all i care BUT ONLY IF I AM AS MANY MILES AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE AND TOWN AS POSSIBLE. to the point where no one can find me or get in touch with me and ill be forced into a constant state of terror, frenzy, and anxiety just so i will be forced to do it on my own and find answers to all my own questions instead of relying on her and living this life where i play pretend. where i pretend evrything can be peaceful and quiet where i pretend i dont have responsibilities where i pretend everythings okay and the second i realize its not i am BOMBARDED with lightning bolts of terror in my brain and my nerves get shot out and i feel like im gonna explode. id rather constantly be in shock or constantly be unstable than try to pretend im a normal functioning adult and then be caught offguard by it. i dont like surprises. AT FUCKING ALL. not even good ones. and im ready to jump back in and be constantly fucked up so i am never stable, which means i will never be surprised, or if i do get surprised i will never fucking care.

all of these thoughts woke me up to where i cut on the computer and just told myself to write. all i could think about was going to the store and stealing a pack of dramamine and taking the whole thing. hopefully i would trip, forget i was tripping, and drive my car into a lake somewhere and not remember or have to deal with any of this. or spend my last $5 on some cough syrup and robo the fuck out for the whole day instead of realizing that i actually existed. i like to pretend i dont exist and i like to pretend i dont have an effect on anyone besides myself. these are not truths but i feel if i do it enough i can make it a truth. i can disappear. i can be dead to everyone. i can literally not exist except in the memories of people. id rather be there than present. honestly id just rather be dead than have to put up with the constant struggle of having to find substances to insert into my body, but im too chickenshit to even do that.

so before i started writing this thing i immediately send two text mssgs out. the first is to andre from work, the second is to jayson - telling them both i am freaking out and that i cant do this anymore, this sobriety thing. from andre i am hoping for a response that encourages me to stop what im doing, maybe calms me down, refocuses me in the right direction. no. instead i get some bullshit about "being sober is harder than being fucked up" UM YEAH dont you think i know that thats exactly why im fighting it thats exactly why i DONT want to be sober but im upset because i made a promise to myself and im about to do something stupid. i tell him this and all of a sudden its twisted into something else ENTIRELY and i get a "So I guess you're trying to say we can't see each other anymore huh? It's cool I take the hint" and now i dont even have anymore $$ on my phone to respond back just to laugh at him. OF COURSE every guy would turn this into something about him right??? ughhhh they dont get it. nobody does. no it has nothing to do with you, jackass! im freaking out because i am about to jump in my car and do something that either gets me arrested (stealing dramamine, coricidin, or robo from the grocery store) or killed (driving in the state i am in and closing my eyes while i let the wheel go towards a building or headon traffic). or IF SUCCESSFUL (as in i dont get caught or kill myself) - it will just be something that gets me fucked up for another day or two.

jayson i get no response from but thats probably because he is sleeping (andre works most nights and is up) and probably because he is passed the fuck out on pills and alcohol. although we made a promise to each other that we would not drink or do pills and if we made it til this friday that we would go out and have drinks and see that band downtown on friday. but then when i decided to go sober he said we didnt have to go to the bar we could do whatever we wanted and i thought that sounded really good. at first i thought maybe i should just never see him again. which is probably the best thing. but then i thought maybe i could still be his friend or hang around him and we could do sober things together. help each other stay focused. BUT OH YEAH THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES TWO BROKEN PEOPLE CANT FIX EACH OTHER REMEMBER???

it is 6:30am now. my mother leaves in an hour or so.
if i dont fall asleep first now that im actually facing my feelings and i just wrote andre a big angry but not mean just honest letter... im feeling the sleepy kick in. it always kicks in when i dont want to face something and all of a sudden im incredibly fatigued and i cant really hear what youre saying anymore.

i am not going to work tomorrow.
fuck that shit.
thankfully they cant fucking call me because i dont have any money on my phone anymore.
and hopefully they didnt need me to bad ALTHOUGH IM SURE THEY DIDNT.
i am so fucking ticked off right now.

i am calling jayson tomorrow from the house phone and am packing up a bunch of my shit and hopefully i can go stay with him and hide out and be fucked up. only problem is maria is there and she wrecked her car too. i know if i go over there all they will be doing is both bugging me for rides here and there or trying to drive my car which is NOT happening. i dont know what to do so i think i will just go try to get some robotussin from the store or something and trip at home. hopefully in front of my mom. something.

this is not working. nothing is.

i really can be an open book. i just dont know who'd want to read me.

2009-12-17T06:56:04Z

Today was interesting, I finally rolled out of bed around 2pm and magically found my schedule which thank goodness told me i didnt have a shift at 2 today it was 2 tomorrow. big sigh of relief. in dumping and cleaning out my purse in such an effort to find that valuable little slip of paper, i also found a joint roach. no idea how it got there i have no recollection of smoking a joint with anyone recently but i took it as a sign to enjoy my last day off and put it in a bowl and smoke the resiny goodness of it. it got me high for a few hours in which i played online, watched some porn, rubbed one out, and listened to some tunes before getting angry at the sound of my brother coming in to watch his scheduled Glenn Beck at 5pm on our living room tv. i dont know why it angers me when he comes in the house. i guess its because he has his own trailer now out back, mom passed on most of our stuff to him to use out there, he still doesnt have a job, and i still see her paying his cell phone bill, buying his cigarettes and shaving cream, and bringing him food randomly. he's 40. and still doesnt have a job. but somehow guilttripped me into taking him to the gun shop without mom knowing so he could spend some 30 40 bucks on ammunition. although i know hes trying to make that his craft with mom funding some things. and hes still. with. Candy. i love her spirit i really do but its been like 15 years now and Ben is still at home with us and she is still living with her gross exhusband and her daughter Lauren is damn near 16 or 17 now. still jobless. still carless pretty much. i just dont get it. i know my mom sees it as "well your brother doesnt ask for much and he uses hardly any electricity". so basically she gets a cheap nigger to do all her yard work and any handyman stuff that she expects him to just automatically know how to do then gets mad when he fucks it up. honestly it just reminds me of the whole kathleen situation - except my brother gets to sit on his ass everyday until mom gets unbusy enough to come up with another home project. i mean DAMN i had to cut my cell phone off this month cuz i cant pay it and im with the same service as him - but according to her i dont deserve that kind of financial help. and i can buy my own shaving cream because if i 'need it that bad, just use soap'. oh and i definitely wouldnt get a carton of cigarettes delivered to me every other week to feed my addiction. thank god i quit last month. yes i sound bitter because i am. i dont think mom sees how she enables the both of us, but in slightly different ways. i cant keep talking about this. im going to stop right now because my focus needs to be on the future, on getting out, on what i can do to make it better - not psychoanalyze the current situation.

SO.
being that i have only really been out of bed once this week and that was to sit on the couch and watch that movie with jimmy, i havent really been eating either. when you dont expend much energy, you dont need much either. i had a few bites of blackbeans today. 3 brownies (lol fatty) and a small glass of Lactaid. then i fell back asleep because i knew it was getting close to 7pm and mom would be home and its just become habit to avoid her. so here i am awake again at midnight/1am to tell you about my awesomely inactive day. i even tried to stretch, but all i could do was sigh and roll over.

i reaffirmed that pot only makes me lazy. but honestly its the only way i can get horny anymore. i havent been able to get aroused by ppl for a LONG time without substances - particularly weed.. and alcohols just kinda a given but to get that really super special i will service you all night frisky girl feeling that i love and cherish - i have to smoke. and not so much that all i wanna do is sleep. i think the only person ive been able to get aroused by without being fucked up was bobby. and im still trying to figure that one out. even austin would piss me off or turn me off if i was sober.. but we fucked a lot cuz we were generally not sober most of the time. i feel like im not human anymore because i dont lust like i normally have. which is funny to think about when talking about a sexual addiction. over anything i just crave intimacy. i just want to be held most of all. all the time. even at work. if i could just be held by someone all the time like a big warm blanket or a midget on my back, i think i'd feel better. :( lol

seeing Amber on sex rehab deal with her father's rejection/early divorce, then eventually his death.. she has an obsession with seeking out men that look like or remind her of her father. even though her and she left him when she was 3. only to meet him again after she was an adult and addicted to drugs and he had always been a full blown alcoholic. then he died a year later, blamed the drinking on her and left her with that guilt. sometimes i wonder if that was my fascination with dennis and bobby. i hate redheads. i mean i dont hate them, they are just so different.. skin wise, hair wise, feature wise, even smell-wise. they SMELL different. i think thats the biggest difference. kinda like black people ya know, just the difference in coloring/skin makes them give off a different smell. black people are very earthy, very oily smelling. sometimes attractive, sometimes not at all. redheads, even girls, smell different to me. its weird. but my entire dad's side was all irish/scottish redheads/auburns, light eyes, pale skin. i think maybe i was obsessed with my father's 'rejection' and these pale skins that came into my life seemed to let me in justttt enough to become attracted, but then do something to reject me - and it only made me want them more. as sick as it was. dennis would reel me in, but tried so hard to be unaffectionate, standoffish, stoic, and brooding (much like my quiet, history buff of a father) that it made me want to rip my skin off trying to get close to him. again, the intimacy cravings here. then he would let me in and it felt like his love was 10 times bigger and better than any other mans out there. even if just for the moment. and then we would fight and he would hit me and i would hit him and the rejection came again. it was like a constant cycle that kept feeding my addiction. with bobby it was similar in the fact that he was more private, and though socialable you had to pry shit out of him at one point. that drove me INSANEE. and we both had our own lives whenever we dated so i never got to see him as much as i "needed" to feed my addiction. which is why i cheated on him all the time. he understands a lot of it now after dating me, see my craziness, and us backing up to be friends i think he sees it objectively now - not taking it personal - which is all i wished for, i never wanted to hurt him. hell i never meant to hurt any of the people i cheated on, i just cant ever seem to help myself. but yeah, and he was also the first person to dump me and be like "im not gonna keep watching you hurt yourself". rejection. bam. in the face. and all it did was drive me even crazier and make me want to prove myself to him even more. but is it so much him or was it dennis, since id lost him long ago and now i was vicariously visualizing him through bobby. or ultimately, was it my father? maybe i could win him back somehow. through these boys. or not. i think those are the fucked up processes of an addiction (by the way we are EACH addicts to something, just so you know).

well ive been talking to my father. in fact he was calling the house nonstop at one point which my mother said was very unlike him, but i never answered - only once - because i am awkward over the phone. he said he'd prefer phone i said i'd prefer emails. so we've emailed back and forth. but now he's stopped all contact. i sent the last email.. maybe he didnt get it?.. maybe hes being stubborn and wanting me to call him, but i wont because it scares me to hear his voice and to have him hear mine. plus i dont know what to talk about. im boring. maybe im being stubborn and expecting him to email me back but its been a month now. maybe he is avoiding the holidays. although we've been civil and detached through halloween and thanksgiving - i hope he doesnt think i expect some sort of present from him. he doesnt even have my address. im overanalyzing this. but i knew i shouldnt have tried to reconnect with him because i knew if a pause in communication from his end happened id feel rejected all over again. maybe subconsciously thats why i was going so crazy with the drinking lately and ran into jaysons arms.

speaking of jayson he has still be messaging me and whatnot, he doesnt want to lose me. or whatever. we had plans friday originally to go see my old anatomy teacher, dinkins', metal band down at the playground. id still like to go but the bar scene is DEFINITELY not for me right now. but jayson said he'd still like to see me and we can do whatever i want. he wants to take me to the 'lights in the south' xmas thing out in appling this weekend and i want to go. he'd have to pay for my gas and whatnot but i dont think he cares at this point as long as he gets to see me. as gross as it sounds (because i do view jayson as gross at this point) i want to hold him. and i want to fuck him. but i know when i see him i will not want him to touch me or even start talking because when i am sober around him all i want to do is run. in fact thats how ive been feeling about most guys who have been showing interest in me. unless im fucked up then all i want is to run into their arms. what is with that??

im debating on the weed thing. i feel like if i go sober again i cant just have that in the background as my crutch. it slows me down - period. and clogs my mind for days even after not smoking. im aware of it and im trying not to be and thats silly. but it just sounds so nice to smoke with him and go trip out on christmas light displays and take lots of pictures and maybe go eat somewhere and then cuddle and fall asleep together. but then the morning comes and that's what i hate. whenever i wake up in someone elses bed i want to RUN. instantly. i want my clothes on as fast as i can and i want to get out of there and forget they exist. i cant treat him like that and call it a relationship! god his laugh gets on my nerves. i know i shouldnt say things like that because i do worry about him, but he is only 28 and he looks to be in his 30s and not in a good way.. he has a good body actually (damn those tattooed abs) but i mean... he LOOKS like he was in prison for a while. i mean he was, but i mean it shows. and i cant tell if its in an attractive way or not. it is when i want it to be, then when i dont - its not. just that creepy creepster laugh of his if he would just STOP it, i think id like him a whole lot better. it echos around a room full of people and is grungy, raspy, and the voice of an exhausted throat but the laugh of a 13 yr old fat boy looking at porn and getting excited. was that too detailed?? idk but i hate it. he could be much more attractive if......

and im doing it again. what my mom likes to call my "little projects". im doing the puppy dog thing again like i have to rescue him and maybe one day he'll rescue me. ive got to remember that quote from eternal sunshine that clementine said....

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

GOD - how dead on. and i've got to remember to stop assigning people MY peace of mind. thats not fair. i still cant get benjamin lynch's "You made me feel alive.." quote from his letter out of my head. to a fucked-up girl that's just what she wants to hear. she wants to hear that even though she cant make herself better, she can't make herself alive.. that she can make someone else feel a bit better, be someone elses sunshine or medication. FUCK THAT. ive got to stop falling for that & i think that was my reason for meeting lynch. i knew something wasnt right. i felt it in my gut. but i continued relations with him, hoping to hear some phrase or clue that would someday put it all together for me as to why i attract these fucked up men. and i realized after watching the movie, that that was why. its all too easy to fall into that fantasy of two broken people saving each other. but in real life - that shit just doesnt happen. it just doesnt. we've got to save ourselves.

for the first time i feel like im thinking a bit more clearly and i think thats why im typing so much. i really didnt mean to get into all this in this entry, but i did. and its good. i promised myself i would write in this everyday, no matter how often i needed to get thoughts out. everytime i want to use i am going to write or create. create anything. art preferably but at this point i dont care. just anything to occupy my time. and writing on the laptop has been perfect since i havent been able to coax myself out of bed. god i smell. sorry TMI. but its true. the stinky reality of it all.

my mother gave me another b-12 complex bottle. these vitamins and things seem to be her "solve-alls" for fucking everything. i mean i hate to sound skeptical of COMMON SENSE IDEAS like get the right vitamins and nutrients and take care of your body *coughcough* but i mean... ugh. thats the addiction talking again. i want an insta-fix. i scoff at her aromatheraphy and vita-obsessions, but really i maintain the idea of the majority of america wanting an instant pill to solve all their problems. i cant grasp the concept of gradual input equals gradual payoff. thats why im still paying on a gym membership and i havent been in MONTHS. i went for a month or two continuously and it wasnt fast enough for me. and i end up giving up. i think i will start going back, i just cant get over the anxiety of working out around other people. unfortunately im stuck in a contract so i might as well get some sort of use out of my fucking money. anywayysss im taking the b-12 daily just to appease her and fuck it couldnt hurt. i remember i used to.. i even had my lil fish oil pills and my omega3s and all that good stuff. ive just got to keep up w it. pretend its a new epic drug that will leave me high for dayysss but takes monthsss lol. how do you trick yourself?? that should be easy for me, im so damn gullible *sigh*

umm but yeah. work tomorrow. work friday night. then Saturday is Brooklyn's birthday!!! she'll be 2!! my sister said they're gonna make sure not to have any alcohol at the party (although im sure wayne will already be drunk) and that i dont need to bring a present so to not feel bad. shes been really cool lately, like i guess i kinda always knew my sister was awesome but we've led such different lives, always touch-n-go, and been through a lot of ups and downs with each other.. very love/hate... and now we finally have been reconnecting and she knows a lot more than i give her credit for. im gonna go hang out with her most of the day though before the birthday party. i wonder if i make a painting or something for brook they will save it and she will one day appreciate it later. i dont know if thats dumb to bring to a 2 yr old for a present. lol. i have $5 left in my account though maybe i can find something cool at the dollar store. i just wanted to save that to see if i could maybbbeeee get lucky enough to find something small and cool for Matthew since i got his sister those twilight bracelets. i guess we'll see. i maybe end up having to steal something, make something, or break down and ask my mom for money. eesh. id rather ask jayson. bad.

also, i hope she doesnt mind, but mary helen wrote me a really awesome letter that i got today and it's really inspired me to keep on track and to remember that i am worth something to myself and to this world. im posting it here because i want to keep it forever and not let it disappear in my FB inbox. i hope thats okay

Mary Helen Hall December 16 at 5:48am

because life is too unknown to not let you know what my truths are when i see you

first, i have no idea where i am going with this, i decided to stay up all night and paint and i stopped all of hte sudden to write you.

the beauty I see in life is ever growing, I see sparks of the universe in every vein of every leaf, and the love and hard work of human energy in everything around me. There are always moments when I break, always moments when I stumble. at least once a day I imagine hurting myself, i can always conjure a reason, but just as easily as i can do that, i have learned that I can manifest that thought into beauty. When I want to bleed, when I want to drink/smoke/snort--- [I know I give off an impression of self-control in this, but there are so many moments when I want to just say fuck it and manifest my energy into a cycle of horrible[amazing] drugs and just loose myself. i love loosing myself. i fucking do. i remember being tweaked out of my mind and forcing myself not to writhe and bask in the fucked up realm of being and reality. to be that individual, to allow that submission. -- but yeah, I yearn for it, quite honestly I sometimes feel like it's only because I haven't gotten the opportunity, but then I grasp myself, and try to learn better. I still try to feel every step in my toes, question every smell I inhale, and smile at every soul I see. When I spend my time only focusing on the positive, yes, it is a sense of denial? But in reality, I'm only forcing my entire energy into positive light and love, and it changes EVERYTHING. Once you learn to see beauty in the most fucked up things, and realize that every fuck up you've made is only there to learn from, and no matter how many times it takes, it's just as beautiful and painful a lesson, and you can always grow. always grow.

I am saying all of this, because I want you to know how much you have to look forward to, that sobriety is one of the most pure and beautiful paths there is, you get to feel your natural body and your genuine reactions, clearly validate your own ideas, and live completely FREE. I think that is my downfall with ganja, I cannot let it go. I recognize the problem, but I still smoke all the time, and don't see it as a real problem? But I know that anything I have an attachment to is not healthy..

what I mostly want you to know?
The souls I have bumped into on this journey I've been on have been beautiful, twisted, funny, evil, imperfect, genuine, unique- fucking everything, I've met many kinds of people, all over the world, the the most striking and beautiful human I have ever seen/loved/talked to/everything. I remember rolling for the first time with you, and completely falling in love with you- but it was more... of a union. We have seen the good, bad, and ugly and we always came out on top- I know that you feel as though you are repeating old mistakes, or going in circles, but I need you to see that all of this just leads to your greatness, that the moment I met you, I felt the undeniable capacity for love and creation you possess. I know that you feel as though your self-destructive side takes over, but that is only a seed, and a seed only grows if you water it. You have the power to stop a thought before it manifests, and promote your natural wild woman power, not the destruction we do all hold inside.

I suppose I have typed enough, I think about you all the time and I still don't think there are enough words in the world to explain how I see you, and how much I look forward to our future together. You're my soul mate, what we have people search their lives for. You're my number one, and I'm always here for you. I love you ♥

i hope i never ever take our friendship for granted.
i dont really see how i can??
but i know that happened with dennis and thats how i ruined something beautiful i had with that soulmate. and now ive lost all touch with him completely. it kills me now in retrospect. i thought it would never hurt. but it does.
and i dont want to do the same thing to another soulmate of mine.

phalexymbol @ 2009-12-16T15:01:00

2009-12-16T20:02:06Z

Never trust falsely confident, talk show host voices that laugh too much - especially when asked a question.
They are simply, not, people.
This means they take nothing seriously, not even themselves, and especially not you.

Is this my voice too??

She's the calming breeze to my hot steam.

going sober...again

2009-12-16T06:25:50Z

jimmy came by today and we watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and i had not seen that movie since i was like 17 man, it was SO good. i need to wait that long again before i watch some of my other favorite movies. we talked about getting our heads straight and whatnot and his dad dying and his aunt and them taking him in down the road from me. i told him how im going sober and a lot of the conversation that happened with my mom. i confessed some things to him and he told me how he recognizes a lot of the things i was hiding even back when we first met and i was dipping into drinking/drugs again a little over a year ago. back when he met me i was justtt getting back into alcohol and smoking pot and telling myself i could handle it until it steadily got worse and worse. then meeting austin at jimmy, charlotte, and brian k's house.. and where that took me... yeegods.

anyways so i pulled out all my stash boxes that i have of any drug/alcohol paraphenalia i had and remembered when amy (from yankee candle) and i used to be friends and how she told me i needed to have like a ceremony or burning ritual where i set any leftover keepsakes and/or paraphenalia on fire as a final goodbye. through talking to her i realized i kept these things as 'glory day' memories OR as a backup escape route if i ever wanted to use again, id have the tools for easy access. you have to understand that for me to picture a life with no drugs in front of me EVER again is fucking terrifying. no i haven't touched meth (well okay not street meth) in probably 2 years now, but i do still have my shalay. it also doesnt help that i have brittanys number from work and she just recently confessed to me that her boyfriend gets some good ice and we made plans to go in on some last weekend (since he limits her usage and would only sell it to a friend of hers but not her) so we were just gonna get a baggy together, smoke a bowl together since shed never tried it that way, and then split the bag and part ways. simple enough but by the time payday had come i had blown all my money anyways cuz i was so fucked up shopping and partying that i didn have the money to throw in anyways. probably a good thing, but fuck. i still have a hard time thinking i have found another source for it and am now trying to go sober. that drives me absolutely insane knowing that i have another check coming after xmas and i have her number right in my phone. too easy. ugh.

okay i just got off subject. the point is, i dont know why this shit means so much to me but i cant seem to throw it away. apparently i have a mild case of 'hoarding' also like that show Hoarders.. i have a memory attached to almost every item i own and i pack stuff away 'just in case' and cant seem to let certain shit go. so i decided that maybe if i took a picture of the stuff it would be good enough and i could finally get rid of it over time.

Most of these items are kept because of sentimental value and some of them are just fun, cute things and some are just stupid pieces of plastic or paper that for some reason hold meaning and memory. dumb.

The whole stash. baby Jager bottle included from the other day chugging it at the mall and while driving. The Lucid/absinthe bottle i forced Dennis to give me for Michelle's bday a couple years back (even after he & i were broken up he knew he couldnt come between me and the bottle).. also the same absinthe i took to work to take shots in the back of Plato's with. leather stash bag in the bag, marijuana playing cards - too cute! and my cannibis leaf incense holder.

pipes mainly. from left to right, some roach clamps, my meth shalay (needs to be cleaned), two spoofs, up top is my "Lil Blue Nugget" the first little portable one-hitter i got as a piece from Josh J and all my NA folk back in the day, a Vicks inhaler (perfect for being blown up on X), my SCAD shot glass (on the back it has lines that go up the glass for Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior, then Dropout).. yeah guess who dropped out?? lol, my "Enjoy a TOKE" lighter, then moving on down another little purse-sized bowl Josh H (my ex) made and he also made the swirly sherlock with the little mushroom on the right, then "Xibalba" is the light purple lookin piece which was the 2nd bowl i ever actually paid for (After my very first "Petey" broke)... if you look close it's actually liquid-filled and glows in the dark and it glows white under UV light and it looks awesomee :D sum papers over there

cleaning supplies mainly. pill stash, pipe screens, stash baggies, an envelope dennis and i doodled all over on 2C-I, my Cat-Man-Doob stash pot that Genesis got me back when we were friends.. lil kitty chillin smokin a doobie |).

straws and baggies..my old camel case.. you cant buy those exotic blend tins of camels anymore i got those back when i was 17 out at SCAD man i had that case forever. the other one broke. razor, pill/dime baggies, a cigarette whose butt is melted from the first time i got high and accidentally was lighting the wrong end and set it on fire lol, yellow wristband from when i turned 18 and went to the strip club for the first time, plastic mini-stash canister, balloon for inhalant usage, makeshift snorting devices (lol) for when i didnt have access to straws (i would roll up checks and ducttape/electrical tape them to make them solid so they wouldnt crush in my purse, and an ashtray i stole from the hotel Michael used to work at when he kept me up there in the suites for two weeks where we would fuck and party all night during his shifts.

syringes, needles, and such.. rubber arm band thingy.. i actually never used these needles for shooting up, they were used in some of my very first play piercings. i just kept them at home with the matching gauge syringes in case i ever wanted to shoot up alone. but i never did because its too hard to shoot yourself up and these needles are also too long.. you can use them but they'll be a bitch compared to the store-bought one-time use pre-connected syringes with much shorter length needles for more precision. these i just janked from a doctors office when amanda had an appointment i went rummaging through their drawers lol. my shalay looks all swirly down there... :P

stash in style, my portable foam pipe case ive had since i was 18 - most handy thing ive ever bought. it would hold my bowl, my shalay, the weed, AND a lighter.. plus anything else you wanted to squeeze in there and with the foam i could throw it across the room and nothing would break or spill. then a leather stash bag i made and my cigar box i keep a lot of these knickknacks in.

---

To a lot of people this would be stupid, but to me I have such crazy memories attached to these things and all the people i met and crazy things I did. Even the people I don't like anymore, I can still look back fondly on a time we bonded, even if it was through the usage of psychoactives that we opened up to one another. it still happened you know?

SO ready to give this all up.
But SO not ready, all at the same time.
Some of this i will keep, I know me and i know i wont throw it all out.
Plus I'm still not convinced I want to stop smoking weed. I don't want to do it on a daily basis and i actually havent been lately, but I want to do it ONLY on downtime and not when i need to be working or getting shit done. it just slows me down and makes me anxious. just doesnt work for me and i have to remain aware of that.
other than that i could give the rest up a lot easier.
its just a matter of sticking to it.
ugh
why did i start in the first place?

i never thought i ask myself that question. ever.
i hate patronizing my own curiosity, its the one thing i love about me. :(

oh yeah

2009-12-15T03:23:40Z

i guess some pretty significant/interesting things happened these past two or three days.

*Coleman went back to jail not but around 5 days after he had just gotten out, but this time he took Jay with him
*Maria, my friends mom (the same mom who made the rumor about jumping/choking me downtown who i just so happen to be cool with now) just went to jail after wrecking her car not but 2 days after jayson wrecked his.. she got DUI and all that.. jaysons getting her out tonight.
*And after a very rude interruption the other night while i was sprawled out naked getting some damn head, michelle (jaysons ex wife) busts through the back door and walks up to the bed and says "OH. MY BAD" with this eatshitanddie look and i just look up at her from the bed and am like "that's aight" and jayson throws his phone across the room, is like "What the fuck are you doing here?" and chases her out and locks the door while she continues screaming through it "ITS OKAY BITCH I WAS HERE EARLIER TODAY WITH THE KIDS AND HE WAS CUMMIN ALL UP IN MY PUSSY - ALL UP IN IT!!" lolz.
Well last night he had me come see him at Limelight and after i left with andria, Michelle ended up showing up and attacking him from behind leaving bitemarks on his face, neck and back. he ended up punching her off him and the cops almost arrested him until they saw the bites and she went to jail. shes getting out tonight too but now has a 2nd newer restraining order on her from jayson and now he doesnt have to see her at all to see the kids, her mom aparently is going to be doing the exchange. whatev that bitch is still crazy and i told jayson i didnt want shit to do with it anymore.

*i made an ass of myself in front of my whole family the other night being so fucked up. i even called my own house in the middle of the night and cussed out my mom and i didnt even know it was her i was talking to. andre had to come rescue me again.. took me out to more bars (Because he didnt know i had been drinking a bottle of jager i had in my purse all day with me while i was at the mall and other places with jason.. then met tara and larisas xmas party and had 5 too many glasses of punch.. and then we go to the bars and i run into my sister and her neighbors and we end up goin back to the FURCLE and someone i end up all emotional and crying again like i was just sitting at the bar at soul bar (pathetic) and started tellin my sister and her neighbors and her husband all this shit and apologizing and just being a complete mess. wow.

well so then i decided i wanted to try to get sober again.
i talked to mary helen and she helped me so much.
i sat my mom down and had her watch an episode of sex rehab and then told her all this shit that happened to me when i was little and all this shit i did back then i always felt guilty about. she found out about how ive been drinking and snorting pills at work, how ive been trying to be celibate and all this shit because i have actual sexual problems or problems reciprocating from my sexual behavior. i told her about jayson. i told her how i drive under the influence almost all the time. i told her how i still want to smoke pot on occasion even though i want to go sober. i told her about how even when i was holding down 5 jobs and paying all my bills, had a cute boyfriend, i was injecting drugs into my veins and binge drinking almost daily. i told her how i cant control my money and i went and got fucked up and blew my whole paycheck and now have nothing to give the kids for xmas. i told her how i used to sleep with men for money or drugs and how i hung with drug dealers to get what i wanted, how i was almost pimped out, how i applied and got accepted for the bunny ranch, how ive had porn offers on the side and how for some godawful reason i see these things as my callings. how i interchange my sex and drug addiction. if i cant have sex my drug use goes up and vice versa. if i take both away i go on shopping sprees i cant afford or food binges just to fill the void.

i told her a lot.
she told me a lot back. i dont want to talk about it cuz its actual stuff i gonna have to do and be responsible about and hand control over to. she said i sound bipolar.... and that shes not, shes just ADHD. well whatever shes being supportive and she says she wont help me get out of this place until she sees me try to make some REAL changes within myself, not on the outside. then maybe she'll help me move.
in the meantime i gotta get real.
and i still dont want to.
and im sick
for the fourth time this month
i think i have aids
or something
i dont know

but i told jayson i didnt want to do this shit anymore he told me i needed a drink. i told him he was an idiot. he agreed in a way and is tryng to do what it takes to keep me around. he went and got a 3 year sterilization shot since im not "fixed" as he calls it. got the restraining order on michelle. found a place hes going to try to move into. and staying home instead of going to the bars. so he says. i dunno. idc. he says he got me a christmas present and that he wants me to help him shop for his kids. i cant do this. im being passive again. but only because the addict inside of me is telling me to deal with it for a while at least from a far to see what i can get out of it. its that coldhearted and selfish at this poitn. i hate thinking like that.

and i hate writing like this, i write like im just trying to get the information out sequentially and as fast as possible cuz i have a hard enough time keeping it straight in my head and i have a really hard time trying to remember everything that happens so then i tlak in run on sentences and i use "and" far too much and say 'i dunno' as some sort of resting stone for my brain to sit on and pause so i can remember where i was going with that thought and use the phrase as the lamest bridge ever to connect to the next thought/occurrence. fuck.

im glad bobby called me back. apparently i called him that drunkenbuffoonn night i called my mom.. and called him from taras phone needing to talk to him. and he texted back how he couldnt hear me and he was worried about me - but that was mainly cuz my voice was almost entirely gone and i was crying and blubbering about needing to talk to him even though he was in athens the whole weekend. well he called me from someone elses phone today to talk and check on me but i just kinda blew the whole thing off because my voice is still a strain to use and i took a couple resin hits and was just not in the mood. but hopefully we can meet up sometime this week once im better like he said. i miss the kid and i know hes tired of my shit, but i value his opinion. and that kinda pisses me off.

im being mean to mom today and im not trying i just ugh. i guess this is withdrawals. i swear i have been putting mass amounts of alcohol into my body for days on weeks now and i get started as early as i possibly can each day depending on the resources. plus the pills help. and now im pissed off and even that hot brownie and milk didnt make me feel better im still pouting like a little bitch.

jimmy is coming over tomorrow hopefully if my face doesnt turn into quasimodo (my eye acted up this morning) and hopefully he'll have weed and we can sit and watch movies all day together until mom gets home. i like his energy and have an odd attraction towards him but hes just a kid and is too selfrighteous about the wrong stuff. but who am i to say? we used to have a thing and last time we hooked up it was surprisingly fun and not awkward but i may have just been really fucked up. itd be nice to cuddle or something. i just need a friend. and he moved close to where i live now so he keeps trying to come spend time with me.

i think i need to just leave andre alone. hes too good of a guy for me to poison. i asked him why he was always rescuing me from situations and then feeding me and putting me in his bed at night untouched. he said because i always seem to need rescuing. thats not good. ive just turned him into another enabler. but he does save me from a lot of drunk driving thats for sure. but i want someone else to rescue me. not him. no i want to rescue myself but i want someone to be there to hold me after.

logan called me today he made it to tennessee alright. lets see if he sticks it out up there and really does this marine thing.

all my friends are in & out of jail, wrecking their cars, getting DUIs, and nearly getting killed. how many times to i have to take a step back and reevaluate my friendships with people?? i want to live in isolation for a while.. a year minimum. even in like a looney bin i dont care just put me somewhere where i dont have free, open access to the internet or phones or people or debit/credit cards or food or knives or razors or drugs and alcohol. basically lock me up and monitor me 24/7 because I CANNOT STOP HURTING MYSELF AND OTHERS.

ive got to shape up.
if for no one else, ive got to do it for my neice.

phalexymbol @ 2009-12-14T18:52:00

2009-12-14T23:52:08Z

"steal my makeup, i steal your boyfriend."
sorry bitch.

yeah so new plan to sauce up life a little bit.
not because i care, but because it's fun.
and i might care.
just a little.
but everything kinda just fell perfectly in place for it.
so what the hey!

get to him.
hit it and quit it.
have her find out.
through a quick, lame, snarky facebook status update.
no names, clean and slick, point made, both of them end up looking like asses, sociopathic psycho bitch patch reinstated.

im not a bad person though.
scouts honor.

phalexymbol @ 2009-12-11T05:13:00

2009-12-11T10:14:50Z

i love how i feel on benzos. ive been snorting them at work recently and even my bosses say im in a better mood and that im more 'fiesty'. i think its just the fact that im more comfortable to say what i really feel or am thinking instead of just smiling and passively laughing everything off. i think i need to tone down the rudeness and ive got it.

but omg when i come off of them i am depressed. not just depressed but confused and unfocused. i cant make myself do anything it sucks.

i really need a drink. like bad. like that's the first thing i want when i wake up in the morning is a cool, icy, fruity, fuckyouup beverage. i replace this with water to cut the cravings. it is 12:30am. its friday technically and today is my payday. i am steadily checking my bank account online to see if it goes through... and how much i have left after it gets me out of the hole i dug again. fuckin a.

jayson is supah sweet. he takes care of me the best way he knows how. by feeding me food and drugs. i couldnt ask for more. he wants me to come stay with him but until he gets out of marias house and promises not to tell her where hes stayin (which he says he'll do but i dont think he means it) i wont make the move. also he talked to his exwife, michelle, and apparently she's cool with everything and me seeing the kids and whatnot. hes taking me to go see widespread panic in atlanta after christmas. i still cant believe he wrecked his car and i hope it gets fixed soon. i know he says he gets this big settlement come te first of the month but i cant help but feel like it wont happen for a while cuz dont settlements take forever to actually.... settle?? although this has been going on and on for years now so.. who knows. this could be the big day. if so i cant help but feel like i want a pinch of it to go shopping with, lol. a girl can dream...

Tomorrow: payday. that means i gotta go get some shit done like an oil change and buy some damn handsoap and shampoo IF i even have any money leftover from my check. also doing some clothes swapping with Tara and then thrift store/discount store shopping with her. we've actually gotten really close really fast and i like her a lot. like enough to even date her if only she swang my way haha. we just have a lot of the same thoughts and ideas, styles and profiles. haha so we've been texting and going out and working together regularly. i think im slowly prying her away from the annoying clique-ishness of other girls at work *eye roll* i mean i like most the people but their social habits irritate me. just be and let be. and tara's def a real chick, with real heart - i can tell. and the only fronts she puts up are the same fronts i put up (which r usually with guys) just so we can get what we want out of the situation. im sorry - i see nothing wrong with that. i deserve that and more so fuck you.

Saturday: xmas party at larisas.. im excited cuz i havent seen her in a hot minute and i really miss her company. there may be some people there i dont really wanna see but who cares. in fact i may save a klonopin for that occasion in particular so i can be on my A-game and extra feisty. im kinda ready, kinda lookin for a fight. to test myself. see if i can actually stand up for myself without lookin like an ass or failing miserably into silence and avoidance. i hate that part of me. this would be an event i take andre to, not jayson, so we'll see what happens. possibly andria too because she wants another night out away from the kid. and we've postponed sean's trip from savannah to wednesday instead so i can go to this party. im surprised he even cares enough about our mini-connection we had 4+ years ago enough to come visit me from scad. apparently he really values my critique on this book/script-writing collaboration. *shrug*

.......oh my god YES there is like half a bowl left in my piece from me and jayson earlier. yesyesyes i was just itchin for somethin and didnt wanna have to wit on my direct deposit to go buy some beer or to waste another k2.

george went psycho on me earlier and bit as hard as he could into my wrist. he punctured my vein and now it looks like an absess and the shit around it is all swollen... like a swollen bloody mound over my vein. lovely.

--

and now somehow it is 4am and in the midst of this entry i put up my laundry, made my xmas list of people, cleaned up my room, hung some art up on the wall, lit my holiday sage candle and am burning some balsam & cedar oil. i even straightened up the bathroom a little. did a little bit of coloring, some painting, some organizing.... i even filed my ribbons, bags, and tissue paper... god i feel like my mother. staying up all night doing nothing but organizing every last item we've hoarded through compulsivity and empty voids. now im off to smoke this bowl, go through my backstocked christmas purchases from last year and see who i can pawn them off to as i scratch through names on lists...and probably

aw shit it's after 5. i smoked & got caught up on facebook. nerd.

yes... headphones time.

what was i saying?

and thinking...

2009-12-09T00:34:37Z

mmm, i was thinking about it and this is all just probably because of the holidays.
holidays are HORRIBLE for my family. many of us have gone to jail, tried to kill ourselves, or tried to kill one another. so im not surprised my brother in law was drunk by the time everyone got there for thanksgiving or that my brother adrian was miserable, bitchy, and hungover. oh and that my mother and i got into the hugest fight before even going to my sisters for dinner.

i fucking hate holidays. where is spring????

also, i have really hot friends. i mean really hot. and not in just that vain, magazine model way of hot. or that silly, try-too-hard highschool clique hot (although i do have many friends in both these categories), but i mean work of art, picasso masterpiece hot. or decrepidly hot. the hottest ones are the ones that dont give a damn about just the right things.

i feel blessed.
and very alone. awesome.

im trying to gorge myself with food right now to make myself feel better but its not working. i no other substances. or money to buy them with.

i think im going to actually clean and maybe try to wrap some xmas presents

--

i am talking to multiple guys as usual and i fucking broke my celibacy. surprise surprise. probably because i was under the influence. but jayson is 28, has two kids, a psycho exwife that apparently i have to watch out for now AND watch out for my car once she finds out about me. he gives me pills and gas money and feeds me. we talk and roll around in bed and he's been telling me he loves me and doesnt give a damn if i never say it back to him. he was in prison for 3 1/2 years for a murder he didnt commit. now after he finally could afford a good enough lawyer to force the courts to examine the dna evidence that they kept pushing under the carpet, its been proven that he was wrongfully accused and so now he is settling for a $7million settlement with the courts which he should be getting by this new year. most of it is going to his kids and he is going to invest in an apartment complex, house, and car for himself. he wrecked his car last nigh busted both his front tires after we kinda had an arguement and he hit a car and ran from the scene and called me crying. i had just dropped all that dramamine and was freaking out and basically told him i couldnt do anything about it and to talk to me about it when we were both sober. he is clingy and kinda creeping me out with cmoing by my work and such. i like him but i dont know what to do. he is a drunken pillhead buffoon and so am i (currently) which is probably why we stay in this enabling relationship.

but my friend andre from work at hollister has a little boy and has his head on very very straight. just bought a house and has been taking me out on awesome dates and going out for drinks and good conversation, he drives me around and such. hes never crossed the line with me and weve only kissed. he actually bought me some clothes from work the other day like it was no big deal.. hes super sweet and id love to pursue things with him but i feel like he doesnt deserve yet ANOTHER fucked up girl who still has growing up to do. especially not around his son.

jeremy and i are getting close again - even after we fought and yelled at each other about our expectations and such. he moved to a newer nicer place and is doing a lot better, i like how he acts now. but he does NOT like any other guys i hang out with. period. even friends. and the second he gets scared he backs off and makes himself unavailable (like i do) and now i never know if i can count on him. which i probably cant cuz i do the same damn things and when i do those things, its because i dont want you to count on me.

i stopped talking to logan and now hes decided to join the military. altho he did take me out to lunch yesterday, get me high, and put gas in my car. hes nice like that all the time i will miss him but damn does he get on my fucking nerves.

i dont want to be talking to ANYBODY
i cant stand the clinginess and the neediness. or the obligation.
but im like a hooters girl - i run on flattery and gifts. *sigh*
when will this end?

im addicted to EVERYTHING.
the only way to quit is to seriously disappear and not have contact with any other humans for a long long time.

i hate this post.
im whining.

thinks its all fake

2009-12-08T23:47:07Z

i thought i was going to write something worthwhile here

but my brain is in so much of a fuzzjam i cant even summon up the passion or emotions it takes to write a sentence that has any effect whatsoever

ive kept myself in a haze lately and NOW i understand that feeling of either having to be fucked up all the time constantly or sober all the time constantly. i love being sober. and its painful to take that bit of control and sobriety away from me everytime i do a substance. but i love being fucked up, and it's painful to not keep it gonig and have to come back to reality.

i finally love both sides, but am not QUITE strong enough yet to master that whole moderation thing. you know id be fine if i only did the things i did every now and again.. every blue moon. and definitely not in short binge spurts - that instigates a leaning toward the 'continuously wanting to be fucked up side'. also the longer i stay sober, the worse a drug experience is for me once i do give in again. its like ughhh.

i drank three full glasses of datura tea, ate a flower of it, ate a few coricidins (only 5) and took 2 zoloft. and drank a bottle of champagne previously. i still wasnt fucked up enough and kind of stayed in this lull of mild discombulation. not fully satisfying.

last night i ate a whole package of dramamine (the 8 pack). wasnt enough so they stole me some mroe and i took 4 more. had already snorted a xanax bar at work, smoked a bowl before that, drank a tiny bottle of raspberry vodka, then my coworker brought more vodka to work and we took shots periodically. then after work smoked half a blunt i had left.... and THEN the dramamine thing. all i did was go to sleep. wtf. i took enough to be out of my minddd and both times i try any deliriant substance - it doesnt nothing. what the hell??

the night before that i snorted some klonopins, drank some vodka and yuengling with babycakes, then we went to another champagne party at 'the apartment' where i dont know how much i guzzled... i ended up puking in the toilet and passed out back on andrias bathroom floor somehow at 8:30pm, jayson picked me up, and by 10:30 i felt better and was ready to go for another round.

why am i acting like this? ive been pretty good lately. something is missing. and im filling that void. with drugs. for free somehow mind you. im even getting all these people to buy my food and put gas in my car because my account is forever in the negative now and i cant seem to dig out of this whole.

i just want to win the lottery and disappear for good.

who am I??//reawakening

2009-11-23T10:00:17Z

every minute i feel like im getting THAT much closer to figuring it out and then suddenly, some random trigger (a tv show, a comment from a friend, something my mom says) diverts me and all of a sudden i dont know who i am (or want to be) all over again. or it switches to an old idea of me. or creates a whole new one!!

my mother says pick a persona and stick to it. quit jumping around and decide what kind of person i really want to be and just go with it.

and before i go on and confuse myself anymore there's a big difference between being yourself, staying true to your core etc.. and then molding your person into whatever or whomever you'd like to be. you can still have a core, but be whoever you want as far as more surface characteristics or hobbies/talents or even habits etc.

like.... i feel like ive pretty much figured out my core.. not figured out but recognized. i know what basic beliefs i work with & practice on a daily basis just naturally. thats my core. my problem is i see SO MUCH FLEXIBILITY with those beliefs that i can bend and twist them to my liking per situation depending on who i want to be or what i want to do that day. which we all do whether we admit it or not, but i have to narrow down where im betraying myself. not being true/honest with myself you know?

there are multiple facets to me, which some would say is a good thing, but not when it leaves me with SO many options for lifestyle that i end up sitting and doing nothing because i cant decide without feeling like im betraying a whole nother section of myself.

-There is a part of me that is earthy, organic, and natural. There is a part of me that cherishes myself the way i am, no makeup, flab, hairyness, zits and all. there's a part of me that cherishes those same things in every person i see around me. in these times i also feel most connected with the earth. i see everything outside and living as beautiful. even bugs. i feel like i can breathe better and smile truer. i am carefree, spontaneous, and more open to new experiences. fear tends to not be much of a factor. in these moods i even tend to dress and shop for more natural colors and organic shapes/styles. in these moods i also feel as though i need less. things dont mean as much to me. in fact they feel like they weigh me down.

-There is a part of me that is very geometric, anal-retentive, and organized. this girl hates clutter, hates things out of place. HATES not being in control. this girl needs routine, needs maps, need secure plans, this girl is a slave to time & scheduling. and although it sounds miserable, this sort of control brings the ODDEST sense of peace to her. she feels the most stable and she can breathe easier in this mode too. she likes clean lines, boxes, and categories. she wears a lot of black and white & metals. she doesnt like to stray off course. anxiety and fear commonly arise though and it is easy to rock the boat.

-There is a part of me that is motherly, very sure of herself, almost a leader, a confidant, someone with a very wide perspective that is compassionate, patient and understanding. In these moods I feel i am clearest when speaking, i feel i give the most objective yet honest advice. i feel i could handle ANY fucking thing thrown at me in these times, any crisis. i remain very calm and collected and my only goal is to keep the peace. keep whoever is around me on the same page, same level. respect is of the utmost priority during these times. and even when i shop i am very frugal and stricly practical. nothing i dont need. i also tend to dress more conservatively in a way that demands respect or in the very least, simply wards off immature comments or lingering looks. i try to show stern walls and boundaries that cant be crossed, but at the same time warm welcoming arms of understanding.

-There is a part of me that is introverted & private. she does not like the presence of other people and can stay in a room or outside somewhere with no human contact, not even the sound of another persons cough for days and days on end. she is most creative and intuitive in these times. she feels in touch with all of her surroundings and is the most aware. she no longer has to look at the world through tunnel vision because she can finally be herself and has no outside opinions to worry about. she makes her best artwork & writings at these times. in fact it is the ONLY time she seems to feel comfortable tapping into her creative consciousness. she has no fear of judgement and criticism. she taps into her big picture view of Earth and it calms & soothes her soul. everything just makes sense in these times when she is finally able to forget what other people are doing.

-There is a part of me that's really social, curious, and sweet. she is super playful and means no harm, only seeks out learning new knowledge from everything and everyone around her. she wants to do favors and give gifts and compliments. she sees beauty all around her. she likes to clean and do good deeds. she likes to explore but not stray too far from home or her comfort zone. she wants to surprise you and make you smile and laugh and is always smiling and laughing herself. she is funny, goofy, and pretty silly. she is childlike and innocent and super-empathetic. she cries easily but does not stay like that for very long. her smile saves her from the depths of self-pity. and most tears are from laughing too hard, seeing immense beauty, or feeling immense hope and/or relief. she is very in touch with her feelings and is not scared of feeling them. she feels no need to stifle them. very pure, very true.

-There are 3 different kind of bad girls in me:
1) the first bad girl is harmless and simply wants to break every rule that comes her way. not in a destructive manner, but playful. i want to kiss everyone, i want to dress in ways that make you uncomfortable or make you think im a little off or that maybe i need to hire a stylist. i want to party and be social and do all the things i am NOT supposed to. this girl will do the opposite of EVERYTHING you tell me to do. this girl rallies other people around to participate in said rule-breaking because everything is always more fun in numbers. this girl wants nothing more than everyone's attention & for everyone to love her. "more" is this girls motto. more more more. this girl does not discriminate, there are no boundaries, and free love is for all and she wants all of you to return the love for free. this girl would flash a cop & not think twice.
2) the second bad girl is incredibly harmful. funny thing is she doesnt discriminate either she just fucking hates EVERYONE in her way.. in her field of vision. this girl wants to destroy, create chaos, and then laugh once it's over with. she wants to break all the rules but she wants to do so in a way that will hurt someone in the process if not at least just piss some people off. this girl is very selfish and doesnt care about anyone but herself. this girl DOES NOT LIKE YOU unless you are helping her create chaos. any rationale goes out the window so if you try to speak with sense she will laugh at you, scoff, & tell you to get out of her way. this girl is out for blood & looking for a fight. this girl would fuck your boyfriend, trash your belongings, or stab you in the throat. its that serious. most actions are not sneaky at all though and are very in your face. i think this girl is very ignorant and toxic so i keep her caged up 99% of the time. it takes an awful situation or a toxic relationship to bring her out generally. but she does exist.
3) the third bad girl only means harm to herself. very self-destructive, be it drugs, sex, bodily harm, or life-sabotage. she is silent & brooding. she is apathetic & numb to everyone and everything. her thoughts are poison but feel absolutely realistic. very black & white thinking, no time for gray. personal attacks roll off her back & she laughs at any stabs someone tries to take at her because in the meanwhile she is doing so much hurt to herself that any attempts from another person seem weak and futile. she scoffs. she is condescending to others while hating herself even more. it is a defense mechanism that is regressive - but works for the time being at keeping others at bay. if you happen to be in the way during some self-harm, she has no qualms about taking you down with her because she is so addicted. in fact it hurts her most to her others. its the biggest self-pain. but this girl wants even MORE to remain in that numb, apathetic state, that most times it's too much trouble to drag someone else into her pain, its a nuisance and distraction to her self-wallowing so she tends to steer clear. the worst she will do is shut you out.

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I recognize the good and the bad. But I want BOTH. i want all of it. I want some things a little less, yes, but i want all of it. sort of. i think? my logic recently (thank goodness) is to try to do the opposite of what ive BEEN doing the past couple years. i was self-destructive for sooo long and i broke as many rules as i could. i was super social and ready for trouble.

well, lately ive been purposely doing the opposite - and honestly i see where it's done me tremendous good. as far as socially ive been trying to hang out with people i actually have respect for. (unless of course you run into shitheads out in public or at a party - that i cant help, i just stay polite and keep my distance) i havent been giving many people my time that i regret giving my time to. its nice! to come home and know that i didnt waste a night with somebody i knew i would have a shitty time with anyways or someone i knew didnt respect me. now granted, that has happened once or twice within these past few months that ive consciously made these decisions. there will always be the bad apples i give another chance and then OHP am proven to once again that they are not good company and only drag me into bad situations and/or take advantage of my niceness. or are simply partying to the point of oblivion and are wrecking themselves or the shit around them. gross. i dont want to go there again.

ive also been really awesome as far as my addiction for male attention and sex. i havent been physical with anyone (besides kissing a few diff guys randomly) since right after me & austin last broke up which was.... this past july/august. except bobby, we were hanging out a lot on & off here and there right after me&austin split and we were hooking up for a hot minute (which at the same time probably within the same two weeks was when i hit it once with jeremy and once with logan who were both taking me out and stuff) - but i had this discussion with bobby & since then have been building a simply platonic friendship with him. something i never thought i could do with someone who i have such a history with. its weird, but definitely positive and i like how we interact NOW more than how we've ever interacted even both times we dated. we watch movies and talk about books and life and give each other advice. its more real and substantial. its a good template for a friendship and thats all i really need right now. anything more is way too much from ANYONE. jeremy and logan i pretty much nipped in the bud and dont see any potential for even a friendship there so have since stopped talking to them unless its to respond to them on FB. if youre not worth my time im not gonna waste it. and it was surprisingly easy to be upfront with them.

since those last few weeks in august ive remained abstinent. ive gone out on dates, but have turned down many more. and the few that i went on, with one guy in particular from work, started to build a good friendship. no pressure for anything more (although he stated he was semi-interested) and it was NICE. BUT i think we kinda blew each other off, i think he wanted more from me than i could give, saw that, and has since sorta left me alone, but we're still cool. which is awesome because i dont want to feel like im leading someone on. and ive been very blunt and forward so im not dragging behind any guilt and it feels really good.

its like lately ive really been on my A-game as far as setting my boundaries and keeping them. unfortunately i made out with some attorney at the bar the other night but FORTUNATELY i ended up being really grossed out about it afterwards! normally i dont care but lately EVERYTHING has been grossing me out or turning me off. its nice... but i hope i dont become a prude! i am no longer going on dates though and am not even getting myself into any sort of romantic situations whatsoever - just seeking friends. fuck what everyone else thinks, everyone generally expects the worst from me - hell i created that image i cant expect them to just drop it. but those people obviously haven't gotten with the new me and will be lost in the dust as i run down my new trail i just created for myself. which is probably where they belong :/ i know im slow at progression (at least i feel like it because of the lack of physical evidence) but when change comes, it comes in a big way for me. i cant wait around for people to see that ive jumped on a new bus. one they might not be on. i just have to keep riding and not look back :)

for me its a big deal to address this issue because i feel i not only have a substance problem, but a sexual addiction. which for me feels a lot more deep-rooted. i wont get into a lot of it cuz its hard to describe and a lot more shame is associated with past sexual traumas/acts than there is with my drug history. i mean both are shameful but sex has so much stigma it twists a knot in my stomach even tighter. i dont like to think of the things that ive done or the things that were done to me. even when i was little, i think i may have ruined some kids lives by being SO outwardly sexual and... doing things no one was ready for. like its always been a part of me, not some new thing. and i think i got addicted to that shame and guilt that such situations brought up. it was a neat kind of pain. very different then what i was used to as far as physical/mental abuse. it was a pain mixed with arousal. and i just so happened to find the same thing with drugs. but i dont need drug or sex rehab. although im sure it would help, i dont have the resources for that and i feel like it's more ingrained when i actively help myself.

through recognizing and addressing a lot of these internal issues, my relationship with my mother has actually gotten a lot better. im starting to see where im a fucking asshole. not in a self-degrading way, but in a stopityouneedtochange kind of way. we've actually been hanging out a lot more and watching tv together and chatting about stuff. ive found im able to open up more with her and filter out all her negativity and get to the beef of her real point she's trying to make. my moms a tough cookie to converse with without taking her shit personally. and she is NOT courteous enough to think about what shes saying before she says it. a lot of times what shes saying is just bullshit power plays to control the room, control the conversation, and just always feel on top. ive learned to cut these conversations short and not give her the attention she wants right then. or to sort of laugh or poke fun at her to knock her off her kick. then when she IS being rational, calm, and objective i sit down with her and divulge more. kinda like retraining my own mother, i hope shes getting the point. communication is a funny thing. so powerful. she also does a lot more nice, thoughtful things for me when im nicer to her. i need to start stepping it up on the action i could take for HER. i am a neglectful daughter and i cant blame it all on her anymore. saying she pushed me away... yeah yeah she does but if i KNOW that, if i know thats her game, her shtick, her defense mechanism.. and if i really gave a damn about making her or myself feel better, id find a way to walk around that wall (when the time was right) and soothe her wounded spirits. i wont say i look down on my mother at all but im starting to see her as a real human - and it makes me frustrated, but the objectivity makes me super compassionate. i dont know if she knows i feel this way but im trying to learn the RIGHT ways to SHOW my compassion and actually SHOW her that i want to understand her and not just run away all the time. it must suck to have a back turned against her all the time....before i start to guilt trip myself and mess up my whole flow of positivity.. yeah lemme just remind myself to be conscious of her, not block her out. make her want to smile. i cant make up for what ive done. and neither can she. but we can start anew.

i mean shit...... not ONE of my friends or exboyfriends or any other family member has done ANYTHING as bad as what she's done to me... physically or otherwise... and ive not done anything to any of my friends/exs/relatives as the bad ive done to her.. physically and betrayal-wise...... and if i can STILL love her as much as i do and she can STILL love me and much as she does??? and i still want to mend this?? there has GOT to be potential for an awesome relationship in there somewhere.

im just now starting to see where a lot of this is my fault. she doesnt treat me the way i want to be treated because I don't treat her the way SHE wants to be treated. ive got to stop being selfish. THATS where im spoiled and am a brat. i want to WANT to do nice things for her. not feel like its a chore. and ive got to get over feeling like she owes me. and she needs to stop telling me i owe her too. we keep yanking each others chains and its not getting us anywhere. i think its time for me to give. and not to think that each blow up between us is the end of the world and irreparable. its just the motions we have to go through to ditch old, bad habits.

we are taking a weekend trip together here soon... idk when with all the holidays and shit, but maybe mid-december. we have some plans we're developing together and i really feel like we're finally on the same page about stuff. i feel like she respects me and understands me a little more now and vice versa.

---

ive recently come back into contact with an old friend from SCAD, Sean - and we have been bouncing ideas off one another. im currently giving him feedback on his idea for a book-to-movie type deal, hes been sending me his ideas/writings and ive been critiquing and giving him some references notes as far as things ive learned from my psychology and script-writing classes. I'm so glad i saved my notes! I knew they would come in handy! it feels good to look back through old notebooks and talk to someone smart and talented about similar ideals for creating art. its sparking something inside of me both academic and creative. ive seen where my mind is CRAVING new information, new learning, and new creation and it feels good. i feel like i am awakening something that i thought died a long time ago.

---

right now, this part of my life feels like a re-awakening.
my mother says my brain is finally connecting, lol.
whatever it is i like it.
i think i'll stick with it. :)

i miss you

2009-11-08T21:53:01Z

Mary Helen is all I need in this world.

well okay maybe my mom, but at an arm length's distance.

everyone here is stupid.
and everyone i meet understands less and less.

i shouldnt look for validation through others.
and im beginning not to as much, i can tell.

but its a lonely feeling when youre a gregarious creature and communication is of mass importance to you. to limit it to certain topics and to limit the amount of personal information you divulge just to save yourself the convenience of verbal self-defense and explanation (to ears that generally misconstrue it or dont care anyways)... seems... healthy... but not natural. im naturally open. but my big mouth and open heart is getting the best of me these days.

i have to make an active, conscious, daily decision to safeguard myself and it is not coming easily at all for me.

pictures of fields without fences
but sometimes those fences prevent parasites and pests.

im beginning to see that real freedom is not balls to the wall, break it down berlin.
but more so just that middleground balance.
and everyday presents a new choice. wall up today? or wall down? halfway up? maybe a glass wall today? wall to him, but not to her today?

ive got to make myself more receptive and flexible in decision making.
and stop expecting standards to be set in stone.
it leaves no room for progress.

and one day my fields will have grown to move past the fences i thought should be installed. so dont put them in the ground to tight, you may have to move them soon.

i have to remind myself.

Stop. Look. Listen.

2009-10-17T08:45:11Z

Stop. Look. And Listen.

I'm your intuition representative. Designed and strategized to make you WANT to live. And by the end of this you'll know you've got a friend in this. And none of us should fear alone because alone does not exist. If you truly wish to feel the difference, then don't take this rhyme as just a mere coincidence. Life has found this message and is speaking to your spirit, so make your virtue patience cause you really need to hear it.

Stop. Stop wearing shirts that say 'Goddess' and 'Angel' and just be them. Stop using the job you hate as the excuse to drink on weekends. Stop wearing shoes that always hurt your feet. And stop eating because you're depressed because you eat! Stop thinking the world goes round just because of money. Stop feeling obligated to laugh at what you DON'T think is funny. Stop hiding your emotions and denying your sensations. Stop lying to yourself before you destroy the next ten generations.

Look. Look at how far the lies of what beauty is have come. Look at the ingredients on the products that you love. Look at all the progress men make women feel they've made, but look at and ask why we should have had to struggle on this Earth in the first place. Look into the eyes of crying children and war that affects them directly. Look at why they take your womb and call it hysterectomy. Look at the oppressors and how the truth can stop them! Look toward new perspectives if you wish to solve the problem.

Listen. Listen to your heart's intuition as it would tell us to... Listen to the wind when the hot air gets to be too...much. Listen to the message more than all the self-doubt. Listen to intentions of what angels say when the school day's let out. Listen to the sense of a true friend's kind words and Listen to yourself to know you've really been heard! Listen with Aquarius-sincerity that women must. take. leadership. Listen to life's answer. There's a reason that you're hearing it.

Stop. Look. & Listen.

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Alexandra's closing flo-etry on the track "Motivate/Stop" off of Sol.illaquists of Sound's first album "4 Student Counsol"