every minute i feel like im getting THAT much closer to figuring it out and then suddenly, some random trigger (a tv show, a comment from a friend, something my mom says) diverts me and all of a sudden i dont know who i am (or want to be) all over again. or it switches to an old idea of me. or creates a whole new one!!

my mother says pick a persona and stick to it. quit jumping around and decide what kind of person i really want to be and just go with it.

and before i go on and confuse myself anymore there's a big difference between being yourself, staying true to your core etc.. and then molding your person into whatever or whomever you'd like to be. you can still have a core, but be whoever you want as far as more surface characteristics or hobbies/talents or even habits etc.

like.... i feel like ive pretty much figured out my core.. not figured out but recognized. i know what basic beliefs i work with & practice on a daily basis just naturally. thats my core. my problem is i see SO MUCH FLEXIBILITY with those beliefs that i can bend and twist them to my liking per situation depending on who i want to be or what i want to do that day. which we all do whether we admit it or not, but i have to narrow down where im betraying myself. not being true/honest with myself you know?

there are multiple facets to me, which some would say is a good thing, but not when it leaves me with SO many options for lifestyle that i end up sitting and doing nothing because i cant decide without feeling like im betraying a whole nother section of myself.

-There is a part of me that is earthy, organic, and natural. There is a part of me that cherishes myself the way i am, no makeup, flab, hairyness, zits and all. there's a part of me that cherishes those same things in every person i see around me. in these times i also feel most connected with the earth. i see everything outside and living as beautiful. even bugs. i feel like i can breathe better and smile truer. i am carefree, spontaneous, and more open to new experiences. fear tends to not be much of a factor. in these moods i even tend to dress and shop for more natural colors and organic shapes/styles. in these moods i also feel as though i need less. things dont mean as much to me. in fact they feel like they weigh me down.

-There is a part of me that is very geometric, anal-retentive, and organized. this girl hates clutter, hates things out of place. HATES not being in control. this girl needs routine, needs maps, need secure plans, this girl is a slave to time & scheduling. and although it sounds miserable, this sort of control brings the ODDEST sense of peace to her. she feels the most stable and she can breathe easier in this mode too. she likes clean lines, boxes, and categories. she wears a lot of black and white & metals. she doesnt like to stray off course. anxiety and fear commonly arise though and it is easy to rock the boat.

-There is a part of me that is motherly, very sure of herself, almost a leader, a confidant, someone with a very wide perspective that is compassionate, patient and understanding. In these moods I feel i am clearest when speaking, i feel i give the most objective yet honest advice. i feel i could handle ANY fucking thing thrown at me in these times, any crisis. i remain very calm and collected and my only goal is to keep the peace. keep whoever is around me on the same page, same level. respect is of the utmost priority during these times. and even when i shop i am very frugal and stricly practical. nothing i dont need. i also tend to dress more conservatively in a way that demands respect or in the very least, simply wards off immature comments or lingering looks. i try to show stern walls and boundaries that cant be crossed, but at the same time warm welcoming arms of understanding.

-There is a part of me that is introverted & private. she does not like the presence of other people and can stay in a room or outside somewhere with no human contact, not even the sound of another persons cough for days and days on end. she is most creative and intuitive in these times. she feels in touch with all of her surroundings and is the most aware. she no longer has to look at the world through tunnel vision because she can finally be herself and has no outside opinions to worry about. she makes her best artwork & writings at these times. in fact it is the ONLY time she seems to feel comfortable tapping into her creative consciousness. she has no fear of judgement and criticism. she taps into her big picture view of Earth and it calms & soothes her soul. everything just makes sense in these times when she is finally able to forget what other people are doing.

-There is a part of me that's really social, curious, and sweet. she is super playful and means no harm, only seeks out learning new knowledge from everything and everyone around her. she wants to do favors and give gifts and compliments. she sees beauty all around her. she likes to clean and do good deeds. she likes to explore but not stray too far from home or her comfort zone. she wants to surprise you and make you smile and laugh and is always smiling and laughing herself. she is funny, goofy, and pretty silly. she is childlike and innocent and super-empathetic. she cries easily but does not stay like that for very long. her smile saves her from the depths of self-pity. and most tears are from laughing too hard, seeing immense beauty, or feeling immense hope and/or relief. she is very in touch with her feelings and is not scared of feeling them. she feels no need to stifle them. very pure, very true.

-There are 3 different kind of bad girls in me:
1) the first bad girl is harmless and simply wants to break every rule that comes her way. not in a destructive manner, but playful. i want to kiss everyone, i want to dress in ways that make you uncomfortable or make you think im a little off or that maybe i need to hire a stylist. i want to party and be social and do all the things i am NOT supposed to. this girl will do the opposite of EVERYTHING you tell me to do. this girl rallies other people around to participate in said rule-breaking because everything is always more fun in numbers. this girl wants nothing more than everyone's attention & for everyone to love her. "more" is this girls motto. more more more. this girl does not discriminate, there are no boundaries, and free love is for all and she wants all of you to return the love for free. this girl would flash a cop & not think twice.
2) the second bad girl is incredibly harmful. funny thing is she doesnt discriminate either she just fucking hates EVERYONE in her way.. in her field of vision. this girl wants to destroy, create chaos, and then laugh once it's over with. she wants to break all the rules but she wants to do so in a way that will hurt someone in the process if not at least just piss some people off. this girl is very selfish and doesnt care about anyone but herself. this girl DOES NOT LIKE YOU unless you are helping her create chaos. any rationale goes out the window so if you try to speak with sense she will laugh at you, scoff, & tell you to get out of her way. this girl is out for blood & looking for a fight. this girl would fuck your boyfriend, trash your belongings, or stab you in the throat. its that serious. most actions are not sneaky at all though and are very in your face. i think this girl is very ignorant and toxic so i keep her caged up 99% of the time. it takes an awful situation or a toxic relationship to bring her out generally. but she does exist.
3) the third bad girl only means harm to herself. very self-destructive, be it drugs, sex, bodily harm, or life-sabotage. she is silent & brooding. she is apathetic & numb to everyone and everything. her thoughts are poison but feel absolutely realistic. very black & white thinking, no time for gray. personal attacks roll off her back & she laughs at any stabs someone tries to take at her because in the meanwhile she is doing so much hurt to herself that any attempts from another person seem weak and futile. she scoffs. she is condescending to others while hating herself even more. it is a defense mechanism that is regressive - but works for the time being at keeping others at bay. if you happen to be in the way during some self-harm, she has no qualms about taking you down with her because she is so addicted. in fact it hurts her most to her others. its the biggest self-pain. but this girl wants even MORE to remain in that numb, apathetic state, that most times it's too much trouble to drag someone else into her pain, its a nuisance and distraction to her self-wallowing so she tends to steer clear. the worst she will do is shut you out.


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I recognize the good and the bad. But I want BOTH. i want all of it. I want some things a little less, yes, but i want all of it. sort of. i think? my logic recently (thank goodness) is to try to do the opposite of what ive BEEN doing the past couple years. i was self-destructive for sooo long and i broke as many rules as i could. i was super social and ready for trouble.

well, lately ive been purposely doing the opposite - and honestly i see where it's done me tremendous good. as far as socially ive been trying to hang out with people i actually have respect for. (unless of course you run into shitheads out in public or at a party - that i cant help, i just stay polite and keep my distance) i havent been giving many people my time that i regret giving my time to. its nice! to come home and know that i didnt waste a night with somebody i knew i would have a shitty time with anyways or someone i knew didnt respect me. now granted, that has happened once or twice within these past few months that ive consciously made these decisions. there will always be the bad apples i give another chance and then OHP am proven to once again that they are not good company and only drag me into bad situations and/or take advantage of my niceness. or are simply partying to the point of oblivion and are wrecking themselves or the shit around them. gross. i dont want to go there again.

ive also been really awesome as far as my addiction for male attention and sex. i havent been physical with anyone (besides kissing a few diff guys randomly) since right after me & austin last broke up which was.... this past july/august. except bobby, we were hanging out a lot on & off here and there right after me&austin split and we were hooking up for a hot minute (which at the same time probably within the same two weeks was when i hit it once with jeremy and once with logan who were both taking me out and stuff) - but i had this discussion with bobby & since then have been building a simply platonic friendship with him. something i never thought i could do with someone who i have such a history with. its weird, but definitely positive and i like how we interact NOW more than how we've ever interacted even both times we dated. we watch movies and talk about books and life and give each other advice. its more real and substantial. its a good template for a friendship and thats all i really need right now. anything more is way too much from ANYONE. jeremy and logan i pretty much nipped in the bud and dont see any potential for even a friendship there so have since stopped talking to them unless its to respond to them on FB. if youre not worth my time im not gonna waste it. and it was surprisingly easy to be upfront with them.


since those last few weeks in august ive remained abstinent. ive gone out on dates, but have turned down many more. and the few that i went on, with one guy in particular from work, started to build a good friendship. no pressure for anything more (although he stated he was semi-interested) and it was NICE. BUT i think we kinda blew each other off, i think he wanted more from me than i could give, saw that, and has since sorta left me alone, but we're still cool. which is awesome because i dont want to feel like im leading someone on. and ive been very blunt and forward so im not dragging behind any guilt and it feels really good.

its like lately ive really been on my A-game as far as setting my boundaries and keeping them. unfortunately i made out with some attorney at the bar the other night but FORTUNATELY i ended up being really grossed out about it afterwards! normally i dont care but lately EVERYTHING has been grossing me out or turning me off. its nice... but i hope i dont become a prude! i am no longer going on dates though and am not even getting myself into any sort of romantic situations whatsoever - just seeking friends. fuck what everyone else thinks, everyone generally expects the worst from me - hell i created that image i cant expect them to just drop it. but those people obviously haven't gotten with the new me and will be lost in the dust as i run down my new trail i just created for myself. which is probably where they belong :/ i know im slow at progression (at least i feel like it because of the lack of physical evidence) but when change comes, it comes in a big way for me. i cant wait around for people to see that ive jumped on a new bus. one they might not be on. i just have to keep riding and not look back :)

for me its a big deal to address this issue because i feel i not only have a substance problem, but a sexual addiction. which for me feels a lot more deep-rooted. i wont get into a lot of it cuz its hard to describe and a lot more shame is associated with past sexual traumas/acts than there is with my drug history. i mean both are shameful but sex has so much stigma it twists a knot in my stomach even tighter. i dont like to think of the things that ive done or the things that were done to me. even when i was little, i think i may have ruined some kids lives by being SO outwardly sexual and... doing things no one was ready for. like its always been a part of me, not some new thing. and i think i got addicted to that shame and guilt that such situations brought up. it was a neat kind of pain. very different then what i was used to as far as physical/mental abuse. it was a pain mixed with arousal. and i just so happened to find the same thing with drugs. but i dont need drug or sex rehab. although im sure it would help, i dont have the resources for that and i feel like it's more ingrained when i actively help myself.


through recognizing and addressing a lot of these internal issues, my relationship with my mother has actually gotten a lot better. im starting to see where im a fucking asshole. not in a self-degrading way, but in a stopityouneedtochange kind of way. we've actually been hanging out a lot more and watching tv together and chatting about stuff. ive found im able to open up more with her and filter out all her negativity and get to the beef of her real point she's trying to make. my moms a tough cookie to converse with without taking her shit personally. and she is NOT courteous enough to think about what shes saying before she says it. a lot of times what shes saying is just bullshit power plays to control the room, control the conversation, and just always feel on top. ive learned to cut these conversations short and not give her the attention she wants right then. or to sort of laugh or poke fun at her to knock her off her kick. then when she IS being rational, calm, and objective i sit down with her and divulge more. kinda like retraining my own mother, i hope shes getting the point. communication is a funny thing. so powerful. she also does a lot more nice, thoughtful things for me when im nicer to her. i need to start stepping it up on the action i could take for HER. i am a neglectful daughter and i cant blame it all on her anymore. saying she pushed me away... yeah yeah she does but if i KNOW that, if i know thats her game, her shtick, her defense mechanism.. and if i really gave a damn about making her or myself feel better, id find a way to walk around that wall (when the time was right) and soothe her wounded spirits. i wont say i look down on my mother at all but im starting to see her as a real human - and it makes me frustrated, but the objectivity makes me super compassionate. i dont know if she knows i feel this way but im trying to learn the RIGHT ways to SHOW my compassion and actually SHOW her that i want to understand her and not just run away all the time. it must suck to have a back turned against her all the time....before i start to guilt trip myself and mess up my whole flow of positivity.. yeah lemme just remind myself to be conscious of her, not block her out. make her want to smile. i cant make up for what ive done. and neither can she. but we can start anew.

i mean shit...... not ONE of my friends or exboyfriends or any other family member has done ANYTHING as bad as what she's done to me... physically or otherwise... and ive not done anything to any of my friends/exs/relatives as the bad ive done to her.. physically and betrayal-wise...... and if i can STILL love her as much as i do and she can STILL love me and much as she does??? and i still want to mend this?? there has GOT to be potential for an awesome relationship in there somewhere.

im just now starting to see where a lot of this is my fault. she doesnt treat me the way i want to be treated because I don't treat her the way SHE wants to be treated. ive got to stop being selfish. THATS where im spoiled and am a brat. i want to WANT to do nice things for her. not feel like its a chore. and ive got to get over feeling like she owes me. and she needs to stop telling me i owe her too. we keep yanking each others chains and its not getting us anywhere. i think its time for me to give. and not to think that each blow up between us is the end of the world and irreparable. its just the motions we have to go through to ditch old, bad habits.

we are taking a weekend trip together here soon... idk when with all the holidays and shit, but maybe mid-december. we have some plans we're developing together and i really feel like we're finally on the same page about stuff. i feel like she respects me and understands me a little more now and vice versa.


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ive recently come back into contact with an old friend from SCAD, Sean - and we have been bouncing ideas off one another. im currently giving him feedback on his idea for a book-to-movie type deal, hes been sending me his ideas/writings and ive been critiquing and giving him some references notes as far as things ive learned from my psychology and script-writing classes. I'm so glad i saved my notes! I knew they would come in handy! it feels good to look back through old notebooks and talk to someone smart and talented about similar ideals for creating art. its sparking something inside of me both academic and creative. ive seen where my mind is CRAVING new information, new learning, and new creation and it feels good. i feel like i am awakening something that i thought died a long time ago.

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right now, this part of my life feels like a re-awakening.
my mother says my brain is finally connecting, lol.
whatever it is i like it.
i think i'll stick with it. :)

Mary Helen is all I need in this world.

well okay maybe my mom, but at an arm length's distance.

everyone here is stupid.
and everyone i meet understands less and less.

i shouldnt look for validation through others.
and im beginning not to as much, i can tell.

but its a lonely feeling when youre a gregarious creature and communication is of mass importance to you. to limit it to certain topics and to limit the amount of personal information you divulge just to save yourself the convenience of verbal self-defense and explanation (to ears that generally misconstrue it or dont care anyways)... seems... healthy... but not natural. im naturally open. but my big mouth and open heart is getting the best of me these days.

i have to make an active, conscious, daily decision to safeguard myself and it is not coming easily at all for me.

pictures of fields without fences
but sometimes those fences prevent parasites and pests.

im beginning to see that real freedom is not balls to the wall, break it down berlin.
but more so just that middleground balance.
and everyday presents a new choice. wall up today? or wall down? halfway up? maybe a glass wall today? wall to him, but not to her today?

ive got to make myself more receptive and flexible in decision making.
and stop expecting standards to be set in stone.
it leaves no room for progress.

and one day my fields will have grown to move past the fences i thought should be installed. so dont put them in the ground to tight, you may have to move them soon.

i have to remind myself.

Stop. Look. And Listen.

I'm your intuition representative. Designed and strategized to make you WANT to live. And by the end of this you'll know you've got a friend in this. And none of us should fear alone because alone does not exist. If you truly wish to feel the difference, then don't take this rhyme as just a mere coincidence. Life has found this message and is speaking to your spirit, so make your virtue patience cause you really need to hear it.

Stop. Stop wearing shirts that say 'Goddess' and 'Angel' and just be them. Stop using the job you hate as the excuse to drink on weekends. Stop wearing shoes that always hurt your feet. And stop eating because you're depressed because you eat! Stop thinking the world goes round just because of money. Stop feeling obligated to laugh at what you DON'T think is funny. Stop hiding your emotions and denying your sensations. Stop lying to yourself before you destroy the next ten generations.

Look. Look at how far the lies of what beauty is have come. Look at the ingredients on the products that you love. Look at all the progress men make women feel they've made, but look at and ask why we should have had to struggle on this Earth in the first place. Look into the eyes of crying children and war that affects them directly. Look at why they take your womb and call it hysterectomy. Look at the oppressors and how the truth can stop them! Look toward new perspectives if you wish to solve the problem.

Listen. Listen to your heart's intuition as it would tell us to... Listen to the wind when the hot air gets to be too...much. Listen to the message more than all the self-doubt. Listen to intentions of what angels say when the school day's let out. Listen to the sense of a true friend's kind words and Listen to yourself to know you've really been heard! Listen with Aquarius-sincerity that women must. take. leadership. Listen to life's answer. There's a reason that you're hearing it.

Stop. Look. & Listen.

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Alexandra's closing flo-etry on the track "Motivate/Stop" off of Sol.illaquists of Sound's first album "4 Student Counsol"

I don't know what I'm for or against anymore as far as this world goes... ethically, politically, economically.. none of it. It's all thrown out the window for me.

I'm against any political party, the illuminati, the new world order, obama, bush, christianity, the war, the media, the news, any sort of organization and or control period im just.. against. at least thats what i feel in my heart. i thought?

yet ive been so influenced by society and my favorite artists and musicians and my family and the south and the internet. everything everything.

did i lose myself? did we all lose ourselves through it all?

We are delicate delicate creatures subject to influence. every single one of us. we are ALL easily influenced no matter what we think - we are simply the products of whatever was told to us. yet there are people out there taking advantage of this point. they are doing the influencing to the masses. and it influenced THEM to fight even harder and construct even bigger things simply for the sake of control. the only thing that gives them a sense of stability within themselves. we are all fucked. and we are all blessed.

without that control they are terrified. without control comes chaos. is chaos not essential... equivalent to freedom though? we each have free will and i feel that deep down inside each of us, no matter how different we are, is an innate yearning for survival of not only ourselves but our fellow man. its been jaded though. these people in control have influenced us in so many billion ways we have become confused and they have literally created monsters that roam this earth. then we quarantine them in prisons because OOPS what else do we do.

i dont think all these diseases and mental disorders and afflictions came from nature. it came from control and manipulation. maladaption. we have adapted and advanced into a state we thought was powerful but will now cripple us all in one long, slow blow.

the earth and its animals (although we have effected both now with our imbalances) have always had a natural balance of life to death and back again. we have disrupted this balance in fear of death, in fear of loss. we have become hoarders of things, money, and each other. we are too selfish to let our loved ones go instead of just embracing the natural beauty of the cycle of life. we have taken our gifts and created an illusion to temporarily satisfy and distract ourselves. without even knowing it at this point because it has been done for centuries now and has just become our 'way of life'

eliminate all rules and boundaries, walls and fences... chaos will surely come. our true colors will show. survival will be sought. many will be left fighting to hoard their last goods they feel they 'own'. and many many deaths will happen.. of the masses. and there will be no special selection it will be at random. this is how chaos functions. all these deaths that we're trying to prevent, but i dont think that we are seeing that it is Earth's own way of making up for all the time we've spent fighting death. that Earth WILL find a balance no matter what. that we are sprung from this earth, not the other way around... we dont have that control anymore.. we are losing it.. we are losing what we never had. and now everyone is in panic because our illusion is slipping. dissappearing at faster and faster rates. we are pointing fingers. hell even if there is some small group of everso powerful people like the illuminati - it matters not. when it comes down to it we are all flesh and blood and it will not be up to us, it will be up to Earth. You can even say it will be up to God if you wish, although i have never followed any sort of christian faith, call it what you must. im finding more and more parallels to each religion out there with the things ive been thinking lately. but it doesnt have to be organized thought like that, it doesnt have to be labeled. it just is what it is. the natural balance of the Earth.

and whether or not you are contributing to it or taking away from it by your daily practices or pollutants - i think at this point it doesnt matter. am i willing to sacrifice myself for this Earth? yes. i think so. if it is angry at how my kind has disrupted its balance so be it. i will not ask it to judge us individually and pick & choose. its too late for that.

i think after the chaos there will be survivors and we will be back at ground zero. a clean slate if you will. but then what? then its back to organization and rules and leaders just to keep everyone on the same page as far as how to survive from the ground up, how to treat the land, how to treat each other. is this like a 2nd chance for humanity? will we all be exterminated. who knows. is it coming? is it 2012? i dont fucking know and nobody else does either it may not even be this lifetime. it may not even happen and we may all be filled with so much dread and fear of each other that we end up killing each other in that giant civil/world war and exterminating ourselves. it'd make sense.. our very own gifts of thought and free will.. once abused... are now the very things killing ourselves.. and each other.

is the goal to eliminate fear? is fear not a natural response though that aids our survival in most cases? moderate fear? whos to say?

this is all random babblings from me im just trying to type as many thoughts as i can as they pour out of my head. as many questions as i have. everything ive been reading online, hearing on the news, seeing on all these youtube videos, hearing from friends... i just dont know anymore. half of the time is seems it is increasing fear and putting us against each other and we dont even realize it. the other half of the time it is encourging us to love one another, share, help out, act as one - dont separate. but if there are people in power that simply want us to act as one so we can be one big world of cattle underneath their sole command.. and we are so easily influenced you know... theyve been doing it for ages... then maybe thats a bad thing to.

but hopefully as one big mass, the beast would finally show its face, the government/illuminati/whomever you want to say is in corrupt power - will finally show their true plan... then it would finally be up to us to either to be influenced.. or to fight as one against them.. and with our numbers we would surely win. so hey i say let them keep rallying us like livestock, we are getting smarter by the minute. maybe thats our 'final judgement' time and we will finally be able to exercise our free will unanimously... it will be our ultimate choice.

i dont know. ideas ideas its all ideas. and it is far more complex than that. or is it?

all i know is we been building a tower our of playing cards.. a tower we call society. and we have been focused on going UP instead of spreading OUT to where everyone can reach. and eventually.. those kinds of towers will have one too many gusts of wind hitting it and it will withstand no longer. whats important is how we pick up the pieces and rebuild it. if possible.

anythings possible at this point i will not pick a side anymore. i will not believe anything unless i feel it in my heart and soul. and the only thing that comes close is the Earth, what it brings me, and what I can give back to it. This will carry me until my end.

*This is not a fucking marathon and NO im not impressed by how long you can last. I enjoy prolonged sex, multiple positions, multiple locations, and plenty of mixing it up. but dont sit there going on and on to show off. FIRST OFF im not gonna get off from you fucking me. its just not going to happen. i just dont from penetration only. Second off that shit gets sore and dry and it's not really fun anymore after that. and THIRD that's more cause for a UTI, prolonged sex.

*Have some fucking decency and WASH YOUR HANDS, YOUR MOUTH OUT, AND YOUR DICK OFF before going near the vag. ANOTHER cause of UTIs. I'm amazed at how many men are so insensitive to or plain oblivious to the delicate balance of a woman's genitalia and her bacteria levels.

*I service. I don't like being serviced. Unless you are committed to me and someone I actually am head over heels for I will not generally not let you go down on me (one of the ONLY ways a man can make me cum) and I will definitely not let you see me orgasm. My entire goal is to get you off and have a blast doing it. I don't have sense to get off, I have sex to be intimate and get that lovely creamy surprise at the end. Don't flatter yourself by thinking you can return the favor - you can't. It's very rare. I probably have to be inebriated in some form.

*ESPECIALLY when most of you fucks nibble, chew, and suck on all the wrong parts at all the wrong intensities at all the wrong times. And NO you can't just jump into it, there should be adament time dedicated to slow, gentle, teasing. I'm the kinda girl that needs that build up, that tickle... what's funny is that even though I don't cum from sex and people seem to think I'm impossible - I am actually TERRIBLY sensitive down there.. and the lightest flicker of sensation in the right spot can send me spinning. Mix it up but KNOW HOW TO KEEP STEADY. i cant stress that enough.

*Biggest tip: When a girl is moaning and tensing up more (you know those obvious signs that what you're doing feels good), don't be a dumbass and kick it up a notch by going harder/faster - this is the perfect time to stay steady with whatever the fuck you're doing at that moment. Keep it up and you'll KNOW when she's ready for more, she'll be begging for it.


Sorry... these are just a bunch of random thoughts/complaints I've been having lately and because of it I haven't been wanting to let anyone near me. I don't know what's changed but it just doesn't feel like anyone knows what the fuck they are doing anymore.

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Madam Suzette from the Bunny Ranch emailed me back with some open slots/available dates I could book within the coming months, but I emailed her back to see if I could get the two weeks before my birthday in January. I was thinking of spending my ACTUAL birthday up there but we'll see. I just won't have the money for the flight/fees til then. Dennis Hof emailed me back telling me to try his number again because the last time I called and left a message (which gets transcribed.. weird) I never heard anything back. Rich Whillock also gave me the information on HIS place which is run pretty much the same but they have different doctor fees and whatnot. He also gave me a number to call to get the show on the road.

BUT after talking a bit to a woman I met on facebook who has actually stayed at the ranch, with Dennis you sign a contract promising to only do work for him at his ranch for a certain period of time. This woman is actually really cool she gave me her cell number. She wants to give me the good, the bad, and the ugly of the place which I really appreciate. At one point she was there for 6 days and ended up getting kicked out because of altercations between her and the other girls. Hopefully she'll explain next time I talk to her. She also said she was positive they would hire me after looking at my pictures... which is awesome I already got offered open slots :D

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Also I've been communicating through email with an "adult model" agent regarding shooting some porn locally. Up to $2500 per scene. You get paid on the spot same day as the shoot. I already sent some pictures and he wants to set up an interview with me. You also get paid for any travel expenses too (so im guessing gas, whatever). He gave me the two websites that they run, just some typical kind of amateur young girl/teen porn. I don't like the idea of my face being just OUT THERE on some site with a dick in my mouth, but honestly I have no personal qualms about it. I just don't want it to hinder something major in my life in the future because of people's arrogant minds. I guess I need some advice on it, what precautions I should take? What questions to ask? What to look for as far as legitimacy?

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Andddd I still have yet to go back into Mae's, the porn shop, to talk to that guy and fill out an application. Hopefully I can get that job there that would be amazing and I can actually save up enough money in time before my birthday comes around. Unless of course this porn thing turns out to be legit I may be getting some quick chump change to work with.


---


I don't know what it is with all the sexual stuff lately. Someone asked me what I thought of when I heard the term 'hypersexual'. They were trying to hint at something and I looked up the term and also sexual addiction and it made me kind of question myself. Always needing to up the ante to get my kicks... whether it be the number of people, locations, exploring deeper into fetishes... sex with any old person now just doesn't do it for me anymore. I find myself bored and irritated. And like it doesn't even matter how hot they are either I just can't get into it.... but I've become a PRO at faking. It's not even like a nuisance like it used to be, it's more so fun.. like i'm brushing up on my acting skills. And it's fun to watch them try so hard and get some sort of satisfaction out of thinking their technique is actually doing something for me. I always get lost in the moment, but nowadays I get so lost in it that I just kinda forget I'm there.

-----


I will not have sex with anyone anymore unless they are my boyfriend - not ONLY my boyfriend but I have to be in love with you now. No more bullshit. That's right i said it - love. This halfassed dating shit isn't cutting it and is a waste of my time. No more than kisses anymore... i mean what the fuck is the point of me dating anymore unless it's to find love??? it used to be just for a good time. And honestly I serial dated because i mainly considered these people friends that I could learn something from. I don't resent most of them (there are a special few tho ha!). But i feel like i took something from each of their personalities and/or learning a useful skill/trade/ability/knowledge from each of them.

That's all good and dandy now, but ive realized i dont have to be their GIRLFRIEND to do that, i can just be their friend.. and if they cant just be friends with me then fuck em. i mean not fuck em.


The only other time i will have sex is for a $PRETTY PENNY$



I've been giving this shit away for free for FAR too long.
SO LONG that it's to the point now that I can't even feel it anymore.
Fuck you.
Oh you'll get yours alright
But not before I KNOW I'm getting mine.

--


pinhole pupils and vomit.
from a Perc 10??? I felt EXACTLY how i felt when i shot up.. hit me in a WAVEEE and then a few minutes later, vomit swirling in the toilet and i feel.. relieved. better.

Anytime I do opiates now since i tried shooting up and then was binging on smoking opium there for a while.. they affect me SUPER STRONG and i get SICK anytime im on them. even some dopey ass little pill. how the hell does extreme opiate usage and then NONE whatsoever.. turn into low tolerance?? I would think it would have built it up. But now I can't even smoke a dirty bowl without feeling sick and getting the nods. Doesn't that just seem backasswards??

---

After the email from Lynch, he proceeds to write me an actual letter and send it to my house via snail mail. I don't even want to discuss it right now. Still no reponse from me. Then he sends me a text the other day saying he wanted me to know he wasn't mad (for what reason would he be in the first place??) and some other yadayada and ended with a "You're my kind of crazy" statement in comparison to all the other crazy girls in his life.

Get on with it already.
You will not receive a response. Sorry.


---

It was wifey's birthday today!!!!!!!!!!
She is in Florida right now for Brittany's wedding. I feel guilty for not being able to take her for the kind-of-roadtrip she wanted to have, especially for her birthday.
I wouldn't have been able to anyways - I am failing at life right now. i have NO phone now it finally fucking shit on me after 4 years. and i wont be able to buy a new one until after next week, I have absolutely no gas in my car i barely made it home today from work and there's $4 in my bank account. I am a pathetic mess right now as far as finances go, but I am visualizing my near-future success. This will all work out. And then I can surprise Mary Helen how I'd really want to :)
But for now I just hope she's having a wonderful time in Florida and I know she is going to be the most beautiful girl at the wedding. CATCH THE BOUQUET & MARRY ME ALREADY DAMNIT! haha

I am determined to be able to go see her after she gets back on the 12th.
I gotta make it happen. I miss her so much and she is the only one who understands me.
Right now I am living a double life basically, so many secrets and no one to tell them to.

----

Regardless of whatever, I still really love life right now!
I just keep looking forward and it never really looks that grim, even in times like these.
I think that's how I know I'm alright <3

"fearsome and formidable"? Thanks for the compliment lynch, and for the *yawn* explanation. but there was no apology or admittance to anything. not even a halfassed one. which shows me (as much as your letter stresses the opposite) that you are.... still the same fucking person. medication or not. especially with all your "hearsay" it still shows you are a scrounging fool. thanks for trying to be nice. dont expect it to make things change. I'm beginning to know a wolf when i see one.

i felt amazing today. higher than a high on meth and i was absolutely sober. although the slight buzzing euphoria may have been from starving myself for 12 hours straight today too, a little lightheadedness... but it was healthy.

i went to see kristen in the hospital today, it was her last day there. she got into a horrible car accident with 3 other friends.. she has a broken arm and leg but other than that is the high-spirited jokester she always is. i love her attitude, jeez. this is the 4th car accident to hit super close to home within the past week of my life. its crazy............. floods in atlanta W T F ?

dennis hof has contacted me personally concerning my application to the bunny ranch; says i should "feel special" because he doesnt normally get involved in the hiring process. im a little starstruck! And am too pussy to call the "private" number he gave me. he also forwarded my email/photos to his friend/apprentice Rich Whillock who manages the bunny ranch 2 (the love ranch) located across the street from the bunny ranch. he wanted to know if i was interested at all in working over there for him too. im not gonna go into detail right now about all the information they gave me on the whole process, but im DEFINITELY doing it! i just wont have the money i need for the plane ticket/tests/sheriffs card etc for a couple months.

work is driving me mad. i enjoy my job. HATE the company. hate the petty whispering and drama.. even amongst management. surprise surprise, i got a job at hollister and expected hunky dory? most unfortunate of all is (yes i will name names this time) Alicia :( whom i was almost considering a friend since she started work at hollister. esp her being an old DFA attendee and having gotten to know her & hanging out with her multiple times outside of work. but i think shes let the job go to her head. she does nothing but start drama and talktalktalktalktalk.... now that she transferred from hco to abercrombie kids, she STILL has nothing better to do than to come into our store and try to befriend the new managers and continue to talk about stuff nobody REALLY cares about... and thinks shes making "friends"? Id like to see her idea of what a true friend is... if its gossip well dang, she's in the right place. but most of these people have no idea what true friendship is about, from what it seems. its more than hanging out and telling secrets. its no wonder theres a permanent frown/grimace on her face, she always seems to look guilty/be caught off guard, and her laughter/smiles are nervous and forced... youre always having to watch your back in that position and boy most of whats she passionate about when talking are complaints and self-righteous comparison speak. this must be a tiring lifestyle. its a shame ive defended her on so many levels, but at this point she's only continuously making an ass of herself to the very people she so eagerly seeks praise from. and i have to say management is just as bad for eating the shit up and participating and not saying "HEY, get a life little girl, we've got work to do." ah but so is life

on another note my mother is driving me absolutely insane with her rude and intrusive micro-management techniques she keeps trying to apply to my life and life choices. SORRY. I'm not budging this time. You will learn to let it go one day. but until then i still love you as usual.

i could write some more but im really zonked out, spinny, and tired.


i have taken steps to go more green.
its ALREADY making me feel ten times better.




SO capable! <3

If you haven't seen HOME, a film about our ecosystem, here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqxENMKaeCU

( my response in a letter to wifey )

sooo a lot has changed and NOTHING has changed all at the same time.

after skimming old entries... lets see

-broke up with austin, couldnt take it seriously. i also had to stop partying so hard and injecting drugs into my veins. yeah thats always a good thing to quit.
-dated seth, works at hollister, vet from iraq, wanted to put me up in a house, yadayadayada. *perfect* in his presentation, but really turned out to be a try-too-hard fake and an overall ANNOYANCE. blech.
-yankee candle ladies turned out not to be so *good and christian* and had weaved all sorts of lies and manipulations, so i threw in my keys and apron with no notice and told them to fuck themselves. district made them offer me my job back because i was too valuable.. right.

so all in a matter of 24 hours i quit yankee candle, quit hollister, broke up with seth, and moved to live with and work for Dr. Kathleen Hall, Mary Helen's (my wifey, surely you remember her!) aunt in the mountains near Helen, GA. Commuting every week to Atlanta, then back on the farm on weekends. Mary Helen had already been up there over a month. If you google Kathleen, youll see she's a stress expert and CEO of The Stress Institute which is where we did her publicist work during the week in Atlanta. I own a couple of her books. And everything she preaches is right up my alley with everything my mom's brought me up on as far as "A Life In Balance". I was her publicist, her maid/housekeeper, her chauffer, her cook, her farmhand, her gardener... it was a 24 hour job.

well lemme tell you this... having lived with her, followed her around with notebooks 24/7 just to keep up with everything she needed, cleaned up her dogs piss and shit, fetching every last thing she needed - that woman is a FRAUD. she lives completely the opposite to what she teaches seminars on!!! and an unappreciative, verbally abusive, lying, manipulative fraud at that! now sure she will go on to speak of how she studied in monasteries and with the dalai lama etc... but since switching to mainstream lifestyle, leaving books and seminars behind for a talk show & reality show (PS look for a new health/mind/body network to come january 2010?? although this may have changed by now)... all her trips to hollywood must have gotten to her head. although with mary helen having known her all her life, she apparently has ALWAYS been this way.

im wasting too much breath on this woman. i could go on and on about her hysterics or the juicy details of her husbands 7 year not-only-affair-but-completely-different-LIFE-name-job-everything (hes the actual moneymaker who funds all her shenanigans) & how she treats him like a DOG b/c he is fucked if she ever wants a divorce.. so he miserably traps himself there. OH YEAH she got hit by a car crossing the street in hollywood, we had to be her bedside nurses after that which we are not even certified to be handling an injured person but she enjoyed us as whipping girls...

i have worked for AWFUL bosses. they are generally wealthy, white females! they get on their high horse about their accomplishments/bank account and all of a sudden the oppressed female is the oppresser. sad really, cuz when you get hit by a car you cant wipe your ass any easier than i could :/ so dont get me wrong i have dealt with abuse for years from bosses. in fact, i was *given* a blackberry, a new laptop to use, she was wanting to give me a makeover so i could be her traveling assistant when she went to hollywood, they were buying us an AWESOME apartment to share smack in the middle of buckhead, plus a little extra cash every week. i had whatever money could buy. this is the first time i have ever been exposed to that kind of lifestyle. the view on their 250 acre farm alone was a $10 million view. she even gave us one of 5 tv pilots to produce and run to call our own!

THIS WAS MY DREAM JOB
and i was good at it! she actually really liked me. but the way she talked down to mary helen (in particular) and i just on a regular basis. the lies she would make up. the tricks she would set just so she could yell at us later and degrade us. i was amazed. she broke into hysterics atleast 2 or 3 times a day. yet she is supposed to be the queen of "mindful living" and peace and harmony in your life?

so for me to get so fed up to the point that i packed up all my shit and left in the middle of the night had to have been bad. im a pussy. im used to abuse and daily degradation. my mother is borderline for christs sake. but my mother was never rich. this woman was. and i STILL could not take it. when i got there, she had 12 dogs she rescued that we took care of...by the time i left there were only 7. crazy. shit. im telling you. she ended up kicking out her own neice (mary helen) a few days later when mary helen finally confronted her about the abuse and made MH sign a confidentiality agreement before she walked out the door!

there were some disagreements but MH and i are stronger than ever because of the whole thing. we both came back home, brad gave me my job back at hollister (haha lemme tell you seth was NOT pleased to see me back) which im still currently at and am in search of something else. it blowwss working here anymore and i think its just because ive reached my year mark and thats about the time i get bored with every job and have to do something else. plus the companys a joke but we all knew that from the get go

mary helen stayed with me for a while because her family sucks and moved to charleston with some mutual friends and reestablished herself there and is doing SO well im so frickin proud of her. shes really happy this time

since ive been back home ive been undeniably depressed. i threw away everything here for something that didnt pan out. but im proud i took the risk. I LEARNED SO MUCH and i got to experience such a different lifestyle.. i can actually see that i really DONT need all the luxuries i thought i did/would once i got older. it gets old quick, you get accustomed to it!

but alas - money seems to be the thing that brings me down the most. lessons learned and all, i am simply miserable barely scraping by anymore. ive got a TOTALLY new gameplan though for these next couple years and finally have a good idea of what im going to do with myself. that has brought an immense amount of self-confidence. right now is the no-fun part though, trying to scrape by just to get back to where i fuckin started.

also went through a blip where i dated austin again once i got back home, got dateraped AGAIN, got attacked, strangled and spat on by my mother a few days later, car taken away, last paycheck taken away, and kicked out of the house. couchsurfed for a while. those days were mainly a blur. i semi-reconciled things but still living life in the unknown right now as far as simple stability and what home is really a home...

needless to say this has increased my social outings and partying to a MAX. fortunately not with too many hard drugs.. at least not too often... but i have definitely turned the volume up on alcohol consumption. it was never really my thing but it is the perfect additive to any preexisting substance in my body nowadays and i cant seem to shake the fact that i may actually battle my addiction for self-destruction for many more years to come. i wont lose to it i know that. i just cant tell how much longer im gonna try to use this as a crutch for my weak handling of emotions and situations.

i have remarkably been able to stay single since breaking up with austin.. and i was celibate for about a month and then i fucked all that up again. i was doing so well. i have voices constantly itching though in the back of my ear wanting to fuck, go on a date, *try dating me again* boy have i heard that enough times.

wifey and i have kept in regular contact with each other and even tho weve slipped up and fucked a couple dummies, we are standing strong and staying single and putting more focus on ourselves and our personal success and desires instead of others.




if shit doesnt shape up here soon im going forward with my plan of stealing my own car and moving to Reno, Nevada and trying to work at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. most girls start off at the sister ranch across the way but either way, if i cant find stability the way "normal" people do - im determined to follow my naturally hedonistic ways and make my own route towards cash for school.

i really wasnt meant for this place :/

yeah i know i dont write. ever.
unless there's lots of changes


JUST scrapped one of my dinky parttime jobs, now have a new dinky fulltime position, and my other two parttimes. we'll try this for a month, if it doesnt work (im not sure it will) i have something else lined up too. i love knowing people, everyones always tryin to help a cute girl out :)

im fucking up by the way. that still hasnt changed.

---

Austin is quite possibly the cutest boy ive ever laid eyes on. And then laid kisses on. And then laid. And now he is all mine and i feel super lucky. It's weird having someone so attentive. I always wanted someone that wanted to be around even during mundane everyday tasks, and he does. NICE shift from.. others.

The best part is that I get along so well with his family and his roommates, even one on one. I just sort of fell into place and everyone has been very welcoming.

I've had a lot of firsts within this past month it's crazy.
*Austin gave me my first PB&J sandwich. Amazing right??
*Rode motorcycles with Austin, his dad, and two other of their bike buddies. We watched the sunset goin down gordon highway haha
*First threesome with two guys. No double stuff jokes please *ahem*
*First intravenous experience. I'll leave it at that.


Withdrew from school. Bump that shit for right now there's so many other things on my plate to deal with.


Craziness always, i feel a change of location coming on soon.
I may just have to move away from this town and the madness all together.

But for the time being
things are okay :)

And the search begins again
travelling men with full wallets

the inevitable letdown.
i refuse to make this my place anymore.


i think of days with only meadows and breezes
beauty prevails and love exists in everything surrounding
including the sunshine

and i am alone.


why is this the only imagery that can bring me peace of mind?

I went from having no plans for Halloween a week ago to having WAY too fucking many in one night as usual.

There are 6 parties I was specifically invited to that I can only hit 3 of and they are all in different parts of town. ugh. One I have to be somebody's date to anyways, one is at the same place I hit last year, and the other is closer to my house so I can hit it on the way home. But really I'll prob only go to the first two.. those are the only ones I feel absolutely obligated to go to. But somehow I'm supposed to insert the Country Club because Jennifer and them got VIP and she let me borrow the costume im gonna be wearing tonight.. but i really am not feelin that.. plus inserting chill time with Cason.

really i just wanna stay home
and not waste the gas


and im beginning to think i might just do that right now.....


besides i have to work two of my jobs tomorrow which includes getting up early and opening shop. boo.

all the signs point to staying at home

but my cell phone is blowing up
my mother sits at home all pissy on holidays
and theres a cute ass Mile High Air Pilot costume sitting on the floor staring at me.

ugh
but now i have obligations to giving people rides
boo

hopefully i have fun
i guess i should go get ready.



*tries to turn on social butterfly mode but the switch is sticky....*

Wow it's been a while since I wrote in a journal.. that seems to be one thing I've always kept up with since I was a child was writing and the past year or so I've pretty much put that all to a halt. The words keep swirling around in my head, awesome phrases, but nothing is ever manifested anymore. Same with more of my visual art. Dead. wtf. but it's all coming back to me, i have to remember to keep the channels open.


I think it's funny people always seem to offer me drugs as if we are equal chums, but then decide to take advantage of that state.
Whether it be having me use my debit card during one of my blackouts.
Or like a few weeks ago where because I was slightly inebriated, it was assumed i would perform certain sexual tasks upon a certain someone if continually forced and pressured and guilt-tripped. Pfft, with their brother watching to boot. Not gonna happen sucka
Or like just two nights ago, one of my best friends (and ex loves), feeds me a home-cooked meal, gives me wine and pills, I pass out and wake up to being fucked halfnaked in his bedroom.

Hilarious. *sigh*

Of course crying about it and feeling violated only lasts a couple hours and then I'm willing to hang out again. It's like.. I hurt, but not really? Like I kind of shrug it off because they have good points as to why from their perspective it wasn't wrong. And being that I can play devil's advocate so well I tend to do so with every situation even if it means rationalizing my own fears and pain. Just to make it easier on other people. And honestly just so I can forget about it myself. No point in causing more drama just to be reminded that people suck. I know people suck and I see it daily. But I also know that people are fucking beautiful and I am fortunate enough to see THOSE daily reminders also. So really... every bad event that seems to happen never truly takes away from the person inside of me (at least not anymore). Like they never really take that light away from me. so then I just begin to feel sorry for those people. Not in a condescending way either, but in a "Hi, I know you don't do these things because you are evil, it's just because you're in pain. Let's get to the bottom of it so you can begin to heal. Stop hurting yourself and stop hurting other people."


Of course I would be that raped girl that wants to heal the rapist.
Maybe that sounds fucked, but to me it's the most sane, logical, direct and efficient way of addressing the problem, creating awareness, and healing. On BOTH ends.

I refuse to be a victim to anyone anymore. We are all only victims to our own actions and reactions. And honestly.. I'm beginning to refuse being a victim to myself any longer also. Because then it just becomes bad habit and pity parties are going out of style quicklike.


---UPDATE FOR PERSONAL REFERENCE---

I work three jobs now. I love two. I didn't think I could juggle the responsibility, but I'm quickly finding how organized I can be and how the variety is what's keeping me on my toes and I absolutely love it. I lovelovelove waking up to something new everyday, its like a buffet and that's how I always want my life to be. I've made so many new friends and met so many new faces of all ages and backgrounds. And it couldn't have come at a better time, right when things were beginning to get stale (friendships included).

I love my management position at Yankee Candle, I work with lovely ladies who give a damn about their job and their coworkers. It's a tight-knit family with all sorts of quirks. I never thought I'd be a good salesperson, but it's become crazy easy & I really kinda like being forced to approach and converse with loads of different people all day. The job just kinda fits and I quickly acknowledged my "passion for fragrance". haha

Hollister is the shit too, but totally different environment. I love being able to wear jeans and flipflops and all my cute Hollister shit to work. MOST of the people are super fun. We dance around the store a lot and sing along to the songs blasting overhead. It pretty much feels like a big party everyday.. just a party that includes folding tshirts or dressing mannequins. lol.

Bath & Body Works is whatever. I've made friends there, but I can't stand the disorganization and the impersonal environment. Plus you don't get shit for hours. I really don't care, I just wanna stay for the discount at Victoria's Secret. :P


I start school in the Spring..
i
am
so
excited.
For real, I've been out of school for two whole years now. It's gonna be hard to get back into the swing of things, but school is where I belong and it was such a blessing to have my mom finally agree to help me out with it since neither of us can get any sort of loans. Then once I get HOPE back it won't be a problem.

I don't even know what I want to go for anymore, I just want to GO. And sit in a classroom. And have homework. And meet people. Yay! Granted ASU sucks balls, but this time around I'm trying to have a positive outlook on things. It's amazing what sort of appreciation deprivation can bring along.

Most of all I'm just excited about meeting and connecting with new people. Different people. Something new. My friend dry-erase board has been wiped clean yet again! Okay, not wiped clean, but very heavily edited. Some people just seem to keep tagging along and I haven't quite found a reason to cut them completely out. Yet. But for now there are so many new faces it's easy to forget about the old. Especially when the old never deserved your time in the first place. and WOAH learned a whole new meaning to the phrase "best friend". haha honestly the words make me chuckle.


I've cut a lot of bullshit out, but we've all got our layers.


There's even bigger plans ahead and I'm just not scared anymore. It's great!!
I can't explain it... but maybe this is what healing and growing is all about. :)

Isn't it beautifully disgusting how at one hour of the day you can feel on top of the world, your loved ones having proved themselves once again, you giving someone a chance and being pleasantly surprised, working hard and feeling accomplished, tokens of care and affection given to you... a perfect day all day long

and then your closest of close can squash all of it, in fact your whole future and dreams all in one swift threat and ultimatum.

to the point where the end is near.

sad really. on my part and theirs.

theres no other way to handle a situation when everything youve ever worked your ass off for keeps getting taken away from you. every. fucking. time.

too bad nobody taught her to watch her fuckin mouth.
too bad she continually gets away with her poison and destruction.
too bad this is the 6th child she's killed and she doesnt even know it.

sorry im not perfect. sorry i struggle. sorry i dont communicate enough. sorry my fast isnt fast enough. sorry my handle on things is apparently not rigorous and strong and direct enough. sorry i shamefully come to you for help. sorry i needed it in the first place. youre right i should have gotten it right the first time. everytime. sorry i require practice rounds because we all know what a waste of time that is. heaven forbid. we all know how time and money are so much more precious than a person's health and wellbeing.

way to negate everything you tried to teach someone.

way to make every accomplishment thus far become meaningless.

you weaved the ties as strong as you could, i thought for security, but really it was to keep me in place while the evergoing destruction could continue for as long as possible. good move. youve destroyed me. the ties stayed in place just long enough... like you knew they would.

feeling the past moving in
letting a new day begin
hold to the type that you know
you dont have to move on to let go



remember turning on the night
and moving through a morning light
remember how it was with you
remember how you pulled me through

i remember, i remember


add to the memory you keep
remember when you fall asleep
hold to the love that youve known
you dont have to give up to let go



remember turning on the night
and moving through a morning light
remember how it was with you
remember how you pulled me through



i remember



-----



Knowing that your own personal, homegrown methods of healing and acceptance are.. not quite up to caliber with your move forward through life - well that's got to be one of the most heartbreaking things for me to change and deal with. Bad habits have to be unlearned, but you can't do so until convincing yourself they are bad. You see the hurt within and the hurt you cause to others, yet it still doesn't register. You've dealt with so much hurt and realized your incredible threshhold for it that you hold yourself, and unfortunately others, to such high standards as to dealing with pain. You expect much more from those around you and are ignorant to the fact that they might actually have emotions. And in fact you, being as playful as you are cold-hearted, like to test people and their threshholds as well as your own.



There comes a point post-healing and reflection where you have to move on to a calmer sea of acceptance. No need for the tests. You know your own boundaries and are set upon respecting and protecting them. After that acceptance, your relationship with those amongst you deepens silently in a way they won't know. And distances you to an almost observatory position at the very same time.



Sometimes the distance is too much though, you feel too far away. You go back to certain places, as some final test, to remind yourself why and how you got here in the first place. You get so wrapped up that you forget it's a test and slowly blow away the crumb trail leading you back to your sea of calm. When are you going to trust yourself enough and the boundaries you've set to the point where there's no need to push them anymore? Are you scared to go the distance?



I'm so good at turning my back anymore, the previously raging skeletons have gradually given up banging on the door. They lay rotting on the closet floor instead. Eventually the stench will get to me and I'll be forced to do my spring cleaning. It's never pretty and is a long drawn out process. Quite possibly my biggest test yet.



The harder you force things away, the harder it is to force yourself into facing them. I've opened the doors now and I feel it rushing all over me in waves. I've been running in place at this point and now I've just got to stop and let it hit me. Knock me over even.



Accepting defeat and loss is never easy, but one has to learn to do so graciously. Move on and start accepting your evergrowing victories. They are already there and set in motion, all you've got to do is continue the positive momentum. You've been pushing against the current this whole time, imagine the relief once you finally surrender to it. Remember. And surrender.

All I can think about anymore is rollin in that dough.
And this future business agreement will finally seal the deal if all goes well.
So many things have been falling into place it's not even funny.
I'm flabberghasted.
I move an inch and each time I'm given a mile.
Who knew things could be so easy?

Just steady tryin to make it out this dead spot right now, once I get past this next week I'll be fine.

I
really
hope
certain
arrsngements
work out.
It could be the answer to so many things for me right now.

I hate keeping secrets, but it's time I learned..


( Picture update! )

*quit my 2nd job at the hotel, it was NOT working out.
*it worked out perfectly though because now I can open mornings at plato's and have been promoted to keyholder/manager. woo another raise! and bigger discount, score.

*On a slightly bigger note, I'm single. I ended it with Dennis. Nothing in particular, everything was perfect actually... I just personally became emotionally disconnected. It sucks when things happen that way. I finally had everything how I wanted it and I just threw it away. I'm actually pretty good at that self-sabotage thing.

For a moment there I felt liberated. But the joys of liberation are never fully enjoyed by someone like me whose worst fears come from being raw and naked in front of the world. Those second thoughts and doubts are creeping around like mad. Especially when those nice warm bodies to snuggle up against aren't sold with the same guarantee. I kinda feel like I'm getting ripped off, but that I did it to myself so there's no manager to really complain to :/

Somewhere though, there was a right decision. Unfortunately it's getting muddled by multiple other impulsive decisions and people that should have been left to settle in the dust of the past where I kept them.

I honestly don't even know what I'm looking for anymore.
How is that possible? How can you backtrack from the point of fine-tuning?

*On a bigger, bigger note, I've got to get out of here. Things are going bonkers. I am stupidly looking for help somewhere where I know there won't be any. Again. It's like opening the fridge constantly, hoping something new will pop up, grab your attention, and whet your appetite. It just doesn't happen. But you keep trying. Like a dumbass.



What is it about hooking that sounds SO good right now?
Why does it always turn into that?



We look to each other for hope.
Constantly.
Everyday.
Hope towards something new, something fresh, funny, profitable.
The eager search turns hope into something temporary, like air, inflating the balloon only to deflate the same day. Or if someone pumps you with some really good hope, it's like helium in mylar balloons.. it might last a couple days longer but only with the same let down.
Hope is nothing substantial if you don't work together to make it something concrete and tangible. And then keep working on it.

But cheap and ever-so-temporarily-effective hope is in these days and it's hard to find a soul that will put the time and energy into a hope - risking the chance of it being a lost cause. Everyone wants a thrill that only leads to yet another. I'm afraid I'm one of those people too and I disgust myself with my inability to focus and commit. The only risks I take are those involving a guarantee of good times. Not quite a risk, eh?

I've never risked my heart, my life, nothing. And I feel it's making me miserable as a person.


Everything is such a whirlwind right now and all I want to do is make the right move.
I think it's time I took a risk.

Workin two jobs now, you know how we do

My wifey (aka Black Princess) is the shit - end of story. You're the only person I can jam that hard in traffic with. Got movesss?

Really really good things have been happening, I just can't go into detail. Some are kind of secret good things. Others are just... the types of things you just enjoy without writing about it.

Went to a Lynx game tonight thanks to my new boss giving me four free tickets. I never thought I'd find a hockey player so appealling... but something about cuties slamming into one another (heh) is kinda irresistable ;P

Big decisions are having to be made. Things I've been questioning and pondering for forever now are going to need to move in SOME sort of direction. No more beating around the bush shit.

Masters is stupid. I can't wait til this week is over. That's all I have to say about that.




There is so much to enjoy in just a single day.

I've seriously been caught by surprise.

And I hope a certain someone keeps surprising me. :)